My lamentation.

How is it possible that I can still smile? That on some days I can still be happy, as if nothing has happened, nothing has changed? As I live my daily routines, I bear my pain alone. I could not burden the others of my past guilt and shame for they have their own burdens to bear. Not once but twice I have taken that awful decision and now my life is shattering and falling, a piece at a time. 

An overwhelming sense of numbness has been a faithful companion of mine. I don't know if this feeling is because of my own choosing or it's part of what has happened not so long ago. I don't know how long I can tolerate with this kind of solitude. I don't know if I have enough strength to go on and be normal like nothing has ever happened or changed.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock. There goes the sound of time slipping away from my hands. How much longer do I have to wait before the angel of life come knocking on my door, and finally I can go home and see my little angels on the other side of this world?

At the lowest point, yet again!

You know what's the terrible part of being a writer? It's the moment when you are being bombarded by tonnes of inspirations but the computer is nowhere near you. I tried carrying a notebook. But somehow my writing brain is not functioning like how it did 10 years ago. I tried holding the thought in a supposedly safe space in my head but when I got to my laptop the idea's gone. Now that is totally unfair! And the other pathetic thing, but need to embrace whether one likes it or not, is the writer's block. I'm riding that for almost a year now. It's not just unfair, it is ugly and the feeling of unworthiness just bogs me down. It's depressing, insulting and even ripping me of my own value. Not that I have any to be proud of, but the value of just being human. 

How can one say s/he is a writer, if s/he is not writing anything? I am no writer. Blogging about my pathetic writer's life can't be seen as anything near to what a writer should be writing about. This past few weeks has been a torment for me. Yet, somehow, in my deepest soul I am still clinging to the idea that I can be save. Somewhere in this dark passage I am bound to find the light. Somehow this journey has been written for me and that I should stick through it no matter how difficult it seems. Yes the burden is heavy. Yes the journey is long and treacherous. But if my Creator thinks that I should go through this because of His divine plan then I think I should go through it too. I don't think there's any other road for me but the one I am on right now. Because although it's hard and sort of drags me down, so low until I could feel the taste of dirt on my lips, I know He is here with me. Holding my hand and making sure I won't hurt myself. It's a weird revelation but it's the truth. 

Lord, let me see you in these darkness. Let me always feel your presence and find comfort only in you. Strengthen me with your spirit for you alone can see me through. You alone are my source of life. In you alone I trust.     

The stars can only be seen at night.

And indeed the stars can only be seen at night. 

I often wonder, when will I ever be free of this treacherous darkness? It's beyond bewilderment to find myself smiling, a genuine kind of smile, and yet my soul is falling deep into the cold belly of nothing-ness. I feel happy but at the same time a piercing emptiness is at the core of me, and it often leaves me wondering in a confusing sadness. Questions like why, how, when, what and even who stick around me so much and, sometimes, even disgracing me by surprise. 

What am I if I cannot write any longer? Who am I if I cannot find the perfect words to create life on a piece of paper? My life is build because I am a story-teller. I have come into existence because I am a Catholic who tells stories of hope, love and faith. But what will happen to me if I cease telling these stories? What will happen to the lives that is waiting to hear and be strengthened by my stories?

Courage. That is what every story-teller should have in their blood. At least that is what I have learned from my own life. Courage to tell the truth when the world needs to hear it; Lies, to catch betrayers in their own game of conceit; Courage to hold the truth in the face of persecution and shame; and even courage to let go of love and see how God moulds it into his own vessel of hope. Yet, am I such a person? Am I courageous? 

The darkest of night has set on me again, tonight. May I find the courage to look up and search for the stars, even when the dark clouds of rain have blanketed the whole sky. 

My Lord and my God. Be with me tonight. 

Now I have all the time in the world to do what I really want..

.. and what was is already? I have been putting a lot of my dreams on hold and it has been a few centuries ago. Now, with all my debts crawling down my spine, this new upgraded life as a wife, and probably a mom soon, I don't know where to start picking up the pieces. I definitely want to take up a degree in Communications, find a job with all the time in the world, help my baby stabilize our financial affairs, and yes get over this scandal. 

There's so much on my plate right now. So many disappointed friends. I hope I can get by or even better get over everything very soon. 

My journey continues.

There are still some parts of my life that remains unsettled, hidden and silence. But whatever it is, life has to go on and I just have to be strong. I still have to find the answers and I know some of my questions will remain unanswered, for now. Do I worry? Worry is my middle name. But I'll try not to think about it too much. Like what I've been advised, 'Troubles will come and go.. just enjoy and learn from every moment. Because each moment will come to pass. Cherish whatever it is that you have right now. Don't drool about the future or the past, too much. There are times to do that. Just take a deep breath, gather whatever strength you have for the moment and take one step at a time'. 

So, let me raise my glass right now. A toast for my past; for the lessons learned. For the future; and all its surprises and mysteries. For now; the happiness, the tears, the memories and the love. For all that has made me, me. To Life ~ Cheers. 

Into your hands, Lord.

Everything begins to take on a new meaning. Everything seems to fit into the right places now. I am who I am today because of my memories and my past. And as I flipped back the pages, with courage and with hope, and sometimes with a few drop of tears, I realized that in every event of my life God has his hands imprinted on it. I was not alone. I was never alone. And today I have accepted that my journey will continues. I still have a long way to go. But I am not afraid anymore because today I know that God will continues to hold my hand. He will fill me with his strength. He will fill me with his spirit.  

One and only - Adele

I found this vid this morning and I just have to share it. 

I've been here... the place where she talks about having 'that kind' of past. I know and I remember how it felt. Still... this song brings so much more than just a memory. It reveals my deepest thoughts and desire... and that alone is simply extraordinary. 

Love your music so much Adele. God bless you and may your legacy lives on.

Another intersection, another decision.

After 98 posts this blog is becoming very personal, and it is not what I had anticipated in the beginning. At first my intention was to become and internet phenomenon but it didn't quite worked out in the way I hoped it had. Instead, I found myself on a soul-searching journey with thoughts posted (boldly) for strange eyes to judge. This vicinity has become a sanctuary for me; I get an audience and I get to write my innermost thoughts… well at least it’s more than half-way deep into my reasoning, but strangely enough I always did it fearlessly. 

I don’t quite understand (yet) why I am doing what I am doing. No one told me to. No one even asked me to. I just feel like it is something that I should be doing. (And though at this very moment I don’t want to choke myself by hollering that it is for a greater purpose), as selfishly as this may sound I (do) feel like I am serving one. 

What I am trying to explain here is that, we all will start out somewhere at some point of our lives. Sometimes we thought, well I thought back then that ‘this’ is what I want or ‘that’ is exactly what I should do. Then half way into it, things or situations started to change. Priorities change according to needs, or needs change to incorporate with the recently found priorities. Whatever it is, change is necessary and it is inevitable. Sometimes we have a say in that process of changing. Other times we don’t and that’s the part where it hurts. Yet changes always come and have the final say.

Have I changed since the last 98 posts? Have I done any changes since then? The truth is I am constantly on the wheel of change. I am and exactly like the clay. Or like a garden. On some days I am beautiful and on certain days I am not. On some days I need to be pruned or I need to be remodelled and this situation, this process, hurts to the deepest core of my being. Yet, I have to go through it. I need to go through it. Because? Because it is how life works. It’s how God works.

So yes, today I have accepted that my blog is becoming personal and might not be of use to certain readers. Still I will continue blogging about my life, about my struggles, and definitely about how I reason things that happen around me. One thing remains, thou: I still want to see where all these will lead me to. I am still excited to see where it will end.

courtesy of Google Image

 

Who am I really am?

I never thought I am going to post this question again. Not that I have ever got an answer for it. It is just that, time has gone by so much... and life was passing by so quickly that I forgot such things. And then, like a bomb being dropped right in the middle of where I am, I am pulled into a circuit and I need to find a way out. That's when I heard 'Eli Stone' said about being 'gifted'. 

When you have a 'gift' remember that it is given. When you have a 'gift' you belong to the world. It is not up to you to say 'NO' or keep it back from the world. No matter how much you want to. 

I may not remember my 'gift(s)'. As a matter of fact I am not really sure if I have any anyway. Yet right now I feel like I am holding something back, something that does not belong to me. (And this is my cue to start crying). Seriously, I don't know where to start looking for answers. Do I need to know if I am gifted, then I can know what I am supposed to do? Or do I need to know what I am supposed to do, then figure myself out? I don't know where to start my search. I just don't know anything anymore. It feels like that part of me has been erased, and I guess I am the one who hold the rubber. 

Not knowing where you're supposed to go is scary. A broken compass means I am in big trouble. But I wouldn't be using a compass if I don't know how to work around it in the first place. Well, what I am trying to say is... if I don't know how to read the signs, I sure am considered lost. 

So what is this tugging feeling inside my gut that somehow is telling me like I am holding something back, something that is not mine, from the rest of the world? And though it isn't something that belongs to them either, there is a sense that they have the right to know about it too. 

I never asked to be given anything, in the first place. 

Of course it is. Or else it wouldn't be a 'gift' would it? 

Let me break this down on why this current situation is getting on my nerves. I have a severe identity issue crisis. And now with this 'gift' issue staring me straight in the face? It's overwhelming! (And this is my cue to get a breather).

Okay. Let’s forget for a moment about the whole sum-up that I just gave a while ago. Let's try to look at it from a different angle. Maybe I am not that 'gifted' after all. Maybe this is just a game I am playing with my head because I am being too sensitive with my surroundings which is the result of my pre-menstrual hormones. Yes. That could probably be it. And as time goes by, everything will fall back into perspective again. 

Okay. And that's how I am going to end this post. (And this is the cue for the juries to deliberate).

Hear ye, hear ye!

It's official and the date is in. I'm getting married this September! Finally!!!!

And the preparation-blues has just kick in and I hope when the big day comes I still have my head.

 

Just being random (and silly).

I'm going to do something that's not in line with what I normally do which is having a beer or two to pass this miserable heat and also the time. A beer in mid afternoon. I must be losing my mind but a drink is a drink especially when you need it. So I'm gonna drink to that. Well maybe after I pass the minutes to my momma, then I'll go have that drink.

I was just thinking, I rather have that drink than to drown myself watching p***! Oh yes, I used to do that too. And with the same reasons: to pass time and the scorching heat. Anyway I've decided to put that p*** tubing as something in the past and get a replacement. I don't think 2 or 3 cans of good sport can do me big harm. And it's just for today. Actually no one can tell me what I can or cannot do. Others don't have a s***ty idea of what I've been through. So they don't really have the right or anything considerably nearer to that to ask me not to or do anything. Anyway I think I like being just a little over the board. It helps put things in perspective. Or maybe I just made that up in my mind. Well who cares? It's my freaking life anyway.

Music at its pure beauty

Thank God for country music. This is one of the reasons why I can still go along with my life. Because there's country music that helps the pain seem more bearable. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for the beautiful Country music.

Conway Twitty - Hello Darling

Conway Twitty - It's only make believe

Conway Twitty & Loretta Lynn - Easy Lovin'

Tammy Wynette, Loretta Lynn & Dolly Parton - 

Silver thread and golden needles

George Jones & Tammy Wynette - Golden Rings

And I bet there's a lot more from where all these came from. This is another escape for me, besides taking a long nap. I fnd joy listening to country music and the older the better. There's wisdom in their pain, in their voices that reach out to me and not only gives me hope but also the reason to believe in the good and pure things that still exist in my life despite all the heartaches and awful memories. 

I will always believe in country music. And I will pass it down to my children and hope they will find their path with this genre. As long as this world exist, so will country music.

Escape route: Slumberland.

I just want to pass a day without tears, without being tired and without heartaches. It's not about being understood. I don't want to be understood. I just want to be heard. I just want someone to say that my hurt is real and though it's painful, not everything is lost.

You know what I really want to do right now? I want to go to bed and just doze off to a land where nothing is real and yet it's beautiful. I don't feel like eating. I don't feel like I want to meet anyone. I just want to sleep. But still, I need to find space to do my rosary; the one single prayer that I know is keeping me alive.

I know what this is, this darkness that's hanging above my head. I know where it came from and why it's still around. I also know that even thou I know about it, knowing it exist does not help much. For as long as I keep shoving that pain underneath a rug I will be in this devastated state for a long time. And when I am in such state for a long time, tears, tiredness and heartaches will be my constant companion.

But at the moment, there's nothing I can do except to try and sleep over it.

Just a thought. Another lesson learned.

My life is a battle zone. Well, whose isn't? I'm just like everybody else but at the same time I am more on my own too. Whose life is not like mine? One minute I'm searching for peace, and the next seconds to come I found myself immersed in the noise. One minute I'm flying, and the next I hit a brick wall and am on my way down. And then when I thought I was going to 'die', I was saved because someone reached for me. And then I soared again. Sometimes for a few days, a few weeks and even a whole month long. And then it happened again. I hit another brick wall and found myself spiralling down again.. and then when I thought I was done this time, a hand reached out to me and I was saved again and once more. Life is indeed one kind of a ride. I can't plan anymore. Well I tried and thou sometimes it works, most of the time it doesn't.

I'm not sure if I can give a conclusion in this post. I'm not sure if there is any conclusion worthy to be shared anymore. All I know is that Life and me, we all just have to go through it. Sometimes we go through it together. Sometimes we have to do it alone. But I guess the best way is to go through it one day at a time. Not expecting too much of the future and not looking back too much on what has passed. Just walk on, slowly and try to stop sometimes to feel the air of the moment. Don't run. Life is so much more than just a race. It is indeed a journey, a long one too and that I learned from my own mistakes. Sometimes there is pain and sometimes there is joy. Sometimes, if we're lucky enough, it's both the pain and the joy. Life is not only for the strong of hearts. It's for everyone; the strong, the weak. We're all in it, together. We all need to share each other's burden, so that we can reach the end.

I hope I can reach the end. No matter what situation I will be in the end, I just hope I can reach the end, somehow, someday.

Am keeping my fingers crossed.

I guess you can say I was angry then. I knew what I was talking and I knew how bad it all sounded. And the truth was that it was indeed that bad. I was just so frustrated with everything. I wish this sad-season that I'm going through right now will be over pretty soon. There is still hope for me. It's a long way thou but hope is there.

I really don't need this right now.

My life is ridiculous!!! I wish I can turn into a monster and just let all the stupidity lie quietly underneath a rug. I feel ridiculous. I feel empty. I feel like a complete fool. Just what kind of life is this? I cannot go beyond what I can see right now. I cannot see myself in the next couple of years. I just cannot see anything. It's like I am not living this life for me. It's like my life is for somebody else. AND I HATE THIS!!! Everyone wants me to understand them that they want to understand me. WTF!!!! Everyone is getting somewhere while I am still stuck in a rut. AND THIS IS JUST STUPID!!!! I cannot post this on my FB. Because people won't understand what I'm going through. And yes, to hell with everyone.

So many things have happened to me. Too many painful memories that I just have to live by. One minute I'm soaring and then the next I'm just falling mercilessly and tremendously at a fast rate. I know this is the kind of life I need to go through after all that I've done or maybe didn't do. I just have to buck up and pretend that everything is ok. Because one thing I've learnt so far is that people don't really care what I've been through. People expect me to just move on and live my life to the fullest.. Well, to fuck with that! How I wish I can bang my table right now, because it's plain to see that they are imbeciles just because they want me to move on with this fucking life. Yes!!! I am angry.. angry with the friends who I thought were my friends. Angry with the people who I thought cared enough for me. Well I was wrong. People don't care. They are just concern with their lives and what I can do for them.

Yes. You can see here that I am a Catholic who swears and swears hard. I am frustrated and I have the right to make my anger be known. I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE FOR NOW!!! Don't you all get it. If you can't wait then fine with me. Just go and leave me alone. I never asked anyone to understand me. That is just beyond my league. If you want to stick around, fine. I really don't need this right now.

A prayer a day keeps the devils away.

My Lord and my God. You know what is in my deepest heart. You know what lies in the abyss of my bosom. Recently my world has gone out of control again and I'm left with nothing but silence; a total dark silence. Sometimes like now when I tried to write what I feel nothing appears. Pure emptiness has taken over my heart. I tried to dismiss it with happy thoughts. But for one who has gone through the belly of hell and came back alive, happy thoughts, positive thoughts, are all nothing but a perfect denial of reality. Be with me Lord, as I take on a day at a time. Let me know in your own ways all the things that I need to do for the day. Wipe these tears from my eyes, my God, for you alone can do that. And always guide me to see the beauty in others just as you want and intend me to see. 

+ My Lord and my God, you alone are my refuge and my strength. 

+ Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me. 

+ My dearest Mother Mary, please pray for me today.

+ Angel of God my guardian dear. To whom God's love entrust me here. Ever this day is at my side to light and guard, to rule and guide.