The Miserere: Prayer of Repentance

Have mercy on me, God, in your goodness
in your abundant compassion
blot out my offense.
Wash away all my guilt;
from my sin cleanse me.

For I know my offense;
my sin is always before me.
Against you alone have I sinned;
I have done such evil in your sight
That you are just in your sentence,
blameless when you condemn.
True, I was born guilty,
a sinner, even as my mother conceived me.
Still, you insist on sincerity of heart;
in my inmost being teach me wisdom.

Cleanse me with hyssop, that I may be pure;
wash me, make me whiter than snow.
Let me hear sounds of joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Turn away your face from my sins;
blot out all my guilt.

A clean heart create for me, God;
renew in me a steadfast spirit.
Do not drive me from your presence,
nor take from me your holy spirit.
Restore my joy in your salvation;
sustain in me a willing spirit.

I will teach the wicked your ways,
that sinners may return to you.
Rescue me from death, God, my saving God,
that my tongue may praise your healing power.
Lord, open my lips;
my mouth will proclaim your praise.
For you do not desire sacrifice;
a burnt offering you would not accept.
My sacrifice, God, is a broken spirit;
God, do not spurn a broken, humbled heart.

–Psalm 51:3-19

A Christmas note

For the past few weeks from my last entry… life has been teaching me a lot of things. The school of life has taught me the strength of retreating and let someone else, someone more deserving, to take the limelight. There are even crash courses about patience and surrendering indefinitely to the Almighty on things that are beyond my reach. I guess wisdom does come with age and some of it from the learned mistakes due to my own idiocy. Somehow I’ve come to a place where I am able to accept that some people still forgives and there is still room for hope and miracles. 

It’s a good thing, I guess, and that I’m learning stuff during this beautiful season. Like I said, there are still rooms for hope and miracles. No matter what happens, no matter how absurd I may find myself in a situation, God is still the one who holds my strings and keeps me from drowning. Of course I learned most of the stuffs the hard way. But since its Christmas, it’s worth every tear and drop of sweat. So my prayer for you, who is reading this short Christmas note right now, is that God be with you always and going through everything with you. Let his strength be yours and let his heart beat inside your body so that you will find once again the beauty and meaning of your life. 

Let this Christmas teaches all of us the beauty to love again and to hope again, despite the painful memories and whatever burden that presses us and weighing us down. Yes. May we all find Jesus, the little yet mighty King, in that old forsaken stable. With that I end this with a hope of seeing you in Bethlehem on the night where the angels’ voices fill the sky as the earth welcomes her new born Saviour, once again. Have a beautiful Christmas everyone. Love and prayers always from me. 

18 Nov 2011

Sorry for abandoning this journal for so long. I've been busy. More like I've been chasing my dreams. And it's worth it, because I'm just a few more steps closer to reaching my stars. He he he.. Lots have happened. I've been in and out of adventures. Made a few more new friends. Rediscovering myself over and over again. Life is indeed a school of lessons. Sometimes I fail in my trials.. and to my own shame, I even failed to try. After this post, I don't know when I'll be writing my next entry. Deep in my heart I am still a writer. Still having my own ways in putting and rearranging words into beautiful statements. But then again, I'm rediscovering myself daily. I seem to surprise everyone, even with myself. I didn't know there's a whole lotta Melissa in me before. Oh yes, there is indeed a whole lotta life in this cutie pie. Things like, I always knew I can kick ass..but never really tried to. And then I did. Then I know I can really kick ass, like real hard. Till the next entry, hope we'll run into each other's path real soon. Take care and God bless my beautiful people.  

We always have choices: to do or not to do.

Today may seem to start off quite slow, but I’m not giving in to futility just yet. I still have a total of 14-16 hours of harnessing my creativity and come up with something spectacular. It’s all about choices, I guess. We can always decide to turn a day of dreariness into a day full of excitement and rewards. All of us have the power to do so. It is within our means.

So, let’s all put on our thinking cap. Or on second thought, don’t put on the thinking cap but, let’s all go out and have some fun with a little bit of imagination.

Today, I feel like I want to be Peter Pan and, I guess, I will.

Image from Google

No matter what happens and no matter where I am.

What if this run lasts forever? What if when the end arrives I still find myself not yet done as much as I should have? What if when the ‘One Day’ arrives, I'm still running the race?

But I guess this is not the kind of question I should've asked myself, because whatever happens in the end I don't have an answer for it, now. But what I need to understand is that I should live my life to the fullest each day, no matter what happens, no matter where I am. The end has its own worries. Why do I need to mess up my mind with something that I have no control of? But my life, this, I have control of. Not all situations but to the certain parts of it, which God has given me the power over it, that I have. And for that I should be in control. I should be in charge, no matter what happens and no matter where I am.

I owe Alanis Morissette this. Thank you for making a music that has the power to open my eyes and my heart, today.  

Happy Birthday, my friends!

Tomorrow’s my big day. No I’m not walking down the aisle just yet. Getting there soon but not that soon! *Grinning* Tomorrow is the anniversary of my 30^th year as a citizen of the world. Wow, 30 years, huh? I know! It’s a quite a long time. Have I done anything worth celebrating? Are there any significant achievements under my belt that I should be proud enough to brag about? Right now my memory is working against me. Well it doesn’t matter. What I do know is that, in these thirty long years, I’ve met a number of people and made quite a lot of best friends. And I guess, that’s one thing worth celebrating; the friends that I have made, some who are still with me and remembering those whom I have lost. Yes. I think that’s what I’m going to do. Remembering the friendship that I have made, once had and those that are to come. Because I know that I won’t be where I am today without the certain people I called friends. Wherever they are and whoever they are, this ‘party’ is for them. For their friendship, their strength, their wisdom, their laughter, their sadness, their joys and sorrows and especially for their beliefs in me, in whatever form of support they gave. Yes, this day of commemorating my existence is for you. You, who are part of who and what I am today, and for that alone I want to raise my glass and wish for your health, prosperity and many more blessings to come from the Lord Almighty. Salute, my friends! 

Dessert: Must read. Must know. This is the GPS of a true friendship.

The old man said: To cross the desert, you have to face your fears before they face you. In order to overcome your fears, you need a friend who cares about you more than you care about yourself. When fear is shared by two, it becomes less frightening. My congratulations to both of you! You have crossed the desert.”

This is a must read. For everyone who needs guidance on knowing who are your real friends. They're not there only to give you support when your face is crushed on the ground. They would also be there, to meet you, when you descend from the stairs of success, hugging you and standing proud of you and your accomplishments. Go to the link http://yhareb.com/en/?p=163 and read the rest of it. An article by Yasser Hareb written with Paulo Coelho. Be blessed.

Now this I wanna do. I wanna see where this road will take me.

My wounds? The scars of the once upon a time pain will help me?? Help me through life; this life. My life? Is it possible? Is it really possible? 

Such roads may seem treacherous. While some may appear dainty for others, mine has its own twists and turns. And yet I could not run from it. Not that I can't but... what if it is the road that'll lead me to my dreams? To my destiny?

Help me Lord. So that I can see what You want me to see. 

It's one thing to be lukewarm or cold. But to be indifferent? May I never reach 'that' destination.  

Does it also mean sadness? Why should anyone get sad when they know they're on the right path to go home to their lover? While on that journey, their minds will be only on the precious memories. Memories that warm their hearts. 

As guidance. Just like a kite. Just like an eagle. 

A dose of energy. The substance to live. Just like a fish. Just like a sail. Just like the electricity. 

To connect with those that we love. Just like the plane. Just like the boat. 

So how do you see me? What can you know from reading all that I've written? Am I who I claim to be I am? 

That's it. Plain and simple. Take it as it is. 

To know that He uses this little mind, this horrid sinner, this man with little faith as His storage... no words can transcribe my feelings at this very moment. 

Now this is an eye-opening! Notice the 'who are' and 'only appear'. That's the major difference. That's the truth. 

aahhh... now that make sense to me. 

... I might see it only as an ice cream. But you see it as it's flavour.. that is the art of living. 

To live in the comfort zone is one thing. To accept the life in the comfort zone is another. 

Then let it be known today... that at this very moment, on the 9th day of September in the year of the Lord, I have made my decision. To be another one of God's precious story-teller. 

No more will I hold back. It's time to overflow the whole vineyard with love, respect and the eternal beauty of a human soul. 

If you found me sleeping Lord, please wake me up.

Ok. So I'll take that as no to tattoo's... well at least until I've figured out why I need one. 

Ok. This too will be my guideline from now on. 

And now I've understood one thing: For as long as I live, I will always find myself trying to reach for my dreams. And that will only happen when I have died and meet my creator. 

I think I've covered everything today. It is indeed a fruitful day for me.

The cry. (I hope it'll be over, very soon).

Whatever's clogging my mind, I think I've figured it out. It's writer's block, depression, sexual addiction and financial constraint. I am having everything on my plate and it’s overflowing. It’s weird enough that I’m willing to admit this openly but I believe that when we’ve identified a problem we should call it by its name to fight it. I don’t remember where I got that. But after going through stories after stories of different people from all walks of life, they retelling the same indications over and over again, I know that these are my problems.

Don’t you think I want to make it all better? I’m struggling very hard to adjust myself, to try to be strong, to let it all go and only think of the better stuffs, the positive thoughts. Damn it! I AM TRYING WITH ALL MY MIGHT. Things are just not going my way. Everything is a dead-end. 

Jesus, you told me to come to you. I did. But things are still the same. I’m still nowhere near to the places I want to go. Why does it have to be hard for me? Didn’t I have gone through enough tears and pain? I know my mistakes. I remember each one of them. Don’t you think I regret it? Don’t you know that I am living through the regrets, day by day, hiding behind a smile? Trying not to judge, trying to put it all under the sheets and silence it? Where are you? You make miracles for everyone. Where is mine? I believe that everything happens for a reason. I never stop believing in that. So please, for once, let the reason be my dreams. Please. 

image from Google

I'm cosidering Twitter.

Do I take myself seriously as a writer first? 

Or do I let others to pass that judgment on me?

If I am who I say I am and really believe what I say I am 

then I should get the word out there. 

I should start tweeting about it. And just let the music flow.

Another writer's block and my August is, almost, complete.

I should just relax. But as much as I tried to be as relax as I can something just doesn't work or things are just not happening. I'm still not loosen up and that's the problem. It seems like I've lost the jizz to my creativity. I'm so stuck in this rut and I think I'm slowly loosing everything, even my mind. Wow. Life can really be such an ass sometimes and I do feel stupid already. Next month is my birthday. If I continue being like this I can kiss my 30th-year-of-being-alive goodbye. Ohhhhhhh damnit!! I need a high voltage shocker to wake me up from this death slumber. I really need a breakthrough of some kind. Arrgghhh!!! Or maybe I should just go mad and let all my problems take care of themselves. That's a good solution. I think I could take that into consideration. 

What makes a writer a writer?

I googled the above question and found myself with a gazillion answers. Some are poetic while others are plain structured. Some say they like being a little crazy while others go for colleges and courses to get that piece of paper that says you're a-professional-writer-now-and-no-one-can-dispute-that. :)

So what makes me a writer or even different from others who don't display their soul on a piece of paper? Do I have some kind of extraordinary ability that allows me to feel what others are going through? Was I born on a special day of writers? Or am I just plain mad when compared to others?

I guess I am who I am because of all the above and more. I love being judged and I hate being judged but I can't help myself if I stop writing. My life is more than just an open book. I am also a canvas, sometimes with beautiful stains and sometimes plain white blank. I don't really care of being judged or misinterpreted but I can't help myself from being obsess with what others think of me and of my works. Do they like my story? Can they relate to what I'm telling them? Can they see themselves or me in my writings? Can they grasp the message which I'm trying to tell them in my works, of us not being too different from each other?

I am a writer and a crazy fool. My brains and my heart are so intertwined with each other; that’s why I'm irrationally encrusted with being super-complicated. It is all simply and because I am a writer and a buffoon! I lived hard and I cried harder. I loved hard and I get hurt harder still. And that's because I am who I am; a foolish writer who feels with her whole being.

So, from my standpoint a writer is writer when she is herself, who lives her pain slightly dramatic than an average human being, who also lives her life somewhere between a full-bloom melancholy and dangerously intoxicated while still have the capacity to look at God straight in the eye and be thankful for all the wondrous blessings she has got so far.