5 Things I Must Do Before I Die.

1) I will live a life true to myself, courageously. 2) I will work, play and serve God and His church. 3) I will express my feelings, courageously. 4) I will keep in touch with my friends. 5) I will let myself be happy.

Today Is Your Day

Country pop diva Shania Twain released her first single in nearly six years on June 12th, 2011 - The gorgeous ballad "Today Is Your Day" may not be part of any album - it's just a one off single - but nevertheless it proves that after all this time Shania still got it, and may continue, if she wants, releasing great quality music. The lyrics in "Today Is Your Day" are simply beautiful, and Shania successfully transmits all the emotion in her vocals. It's like the 'Woman In Me' days all over again! "Today Is Your Day" was produced by David Foster and Nathan Chapman.

(I copied the above from http://www.directlyrics.com/shania-twain-today-is-your-day-lyrics.html. I know it's a little unorthodox of me to re-post published snippets, but this one I just have to. As we all knew, Shania went through a very, very, very, rough divorce from her husband of 15 years that ultimately made her lost her voice. Yet 2011, she rose back and now, with this new single, I believe she is here to stay and take up her reign as the Queen of Country Music, once again. Hope this song inspires you as much as it has inspired me, today.)    
 

You got what it takes you can win...

You got what it takes you can win
Today is your day to begin
Don’t give up here, don't you quit
The moment is now, this is it
I know that you can, then you will
Get to the top of the hill
Part of the fun is the climb
You just gotta make up your mind

That today is your day
And nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everything’s goin’ your way

Today, today, today, today

When somebody throws sticks and stones
All they can break are your bones
And life's gonna kick around
Then kick you again when your down


But today is your day
And nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everything’s goin’ your way

Today, today, today, today

Life's goin' to kick you
It's goin' to kick you around
It's goin' to kick you down

Dust yourself off, no regrets
This is as good as it gets
Don't expect more, or less
Just go out and give it your best

Today is your day
And nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everything’s goin’ your way

Today, today, today, today

Today is your day....

The other face of my soul.

You write because you want to know yourself better. 

Your writing success is beyond your control.

I got the above caption from Mr Coelho’s blog. Yes, the writing part is true. Whenever I put my thoughts in words I’m learning things about myself and about everything and everyone else around me. Although sometimes I do worry about other’s noticing how ‘good’, I think, I am, I will still write the things that I feel the need to write about. When I switch on the writer in me the outer world cease to exist. It’s just my mind, my soul, the glaring light of the computer screen, the music which I have select to accompany my trip into my heart and maybe sometimes a cup of hot milo. 

Sometimes it’s about my past. Sometimes I got the light bulb after watching or listening to a song in Youtube. Sometimes life speaks to me from the books or blogs that I read. Sometimes it’s from a movie. Sometimes from the conversation I had with others. Sometimes the thought just dawned on me and it went straight to my fingertips. The next thing I knew I was creating a sentence that made sense to me. 

I write because it is who I am. Although I’m still hoping that I can make a living as the kind of writer I am, it doesn’t really bother me that much now. Even if I will never get the kind of acknowledgement I hope for, it is still ok because I am writing for myself. And I have learned that there is a piece of me in everyone else just like a piece of everyone else is in me. So as much as I am writing for myself, I know that I will get to touch the other me in everyone else.  And that’s the biggest accomplishment I have made and will continue making.

Memories that will always remain as it is.

At 29, I'm missing my school days back in Sandakan. Those long years, I thought, of growing up in my good old hometown Papar. My short adventure in KL. My difficult yet fun time college days. The few work places that had taught me a lot about patience and being the kind of person I am tonight. I never thought I would miss those days and years. But this song has brought me home and hits me hard. I know what its saying and I know the painful truth that I must swallow tonight. Although those days are gone but going back and revisit some memories will only make my life tomorrow a lot more worthwhile to live through.

And the question continues to exist, breaking my soul bit by bit.

The question is still here. Who am I? What is it that I want? Why do I still have this emptiness within me?

I thought after all that I’ve been through things will get better. That I’ll see a clearer picture and the light that shows the path will get brighter. But it didn’t! To make things worst I’m starting to mix fiction and reality. I’m starting to have troubles distinguishing what’s real from what’s not.

Why? Why is it so hard for me to just be normal and do what this world has considered as normal? Why do I have to question everything? Why do I have to think about everything? Just what the f*** am I? Who the f*** am I?

Yes I am cursing my brains out because I don’t like THIS thing I am in right now. I am cursing myself because I feel like a loser. I can’t seem to get things done, or to do things right yet I have the nerve to feel like I am born to do something great. This is insane. I am insane and right now I am crying in front of my computer while pouring out my pathetic life.

And this has got nothing to do with anyone else. No one is responsible with this situation I’m in now other than myself. How can the blame be on someone else when I am the one who is feeling something and nothing all at the same freaking time? I feel like I need to do something and yet be somewhere else.

How can this be just another PMS? It doesn’t feel like some dysfunctional hormones attacking my nerves. Something is tying me down. I know it because although my eyes are wide open at the back of my mind I can see the road leading to a dark path. And I need to go through that dark path because, in my heart, I believe that it’ll lead me to the place where I want to be. Is this some sort of imagination that I’ve created during my sleep? Maybe! But it seems real and scary and it’s driving me there.

Right now, I just want to find some answers so that I can sleep. And my question is; who am I? What am I?

   

My last sentence.

I want this to be written on my tombstone.

"She failed a lot but she was adamant to live her life. And she did it."

I wonder if I can pre-order the head stone below with the inscriptions. Hmm..

In pursuit of my vortex.

Right now I’m reading the Witch of Portobello by my all-time favourite writer Mr Coelho. I've come to the part where Athena has just discovered that, although she is at the right path in receiving and giving love, there is still a part of her that is missing. She needs to know who her birth mother is. Prior to this discovery, she was learning the art of calligraphy. From what the teacher told her, a repeated action will cease being just a repeated task when the fingers that stroke the brush have in it the heart and soul of the calligrapher. And then I thought about the way I had prayed all this time, especially the Rosary. Such a tedious task and in some points such a burden. And yet that would only mean that my heart and soul was not entirely in it. I prayed because I want answers to my questions or my problems to be settled. I never prayed just because it is a beautiful prayer to be said. I never thought it that way. I never thought about it that way other than to fulfil my own needs. I wanted to be in that state of 'ecstasy' just like how Athena found hers when she danced the 'Dance of Vortex'. She wanted to be one with her Creator through music, through movements. And she would do it repeatedly just to be in that state of being outside of her body. I would like very much to taste that kind of 'ecstasy’ and I hope I will someday, when I have learnt to accept the Rosary as a beautiful prayer. Nothing more and nothing less.  

It was never about fishing, or dancing, or even hiding the presents under the tree.

One more day and I'm half way there. I don't want to let this moment pass me by without a thought or two about my folks. Yep my lovely parents. Oh yes, they too have had their share of regrets and guilt. But tonight I'm not going to hold that against them. Tonight I'm going to reminisce just the good times and dwell into the memories that will give me the brightest smile.

So mummy and daddy. This song by Trace Adkins, Just Fishin' is for the both of you. Because now I know, all those years, it has never been just about 'fishing'. It's about making the memories last when you could and should.

The things I love.

I love Hilary Bestan.

I love Kaamatan.

I love Sabah.

I love being a Kadazan.

I love my church.

I love God.

I love all my loved ones that had gone before me and I never forget them.

I love my family, even thou they can sometimes drive me up the wall.

I love animals except lizards, snakes, frogs, toads and everything that looks un-cute.

I love to day dream and find myself somewhere in my own kind of London in my mind.

I love sexy clothes.

I love chocolates.

I love my mama’s food.

I love Hilary’s cooking too.

I love singing, whether in the church as a choir or during a karaoke session with my buddies.

I love talking to old people because it makes me feel like I’m from a different century.

I love watching the rain.

I love to sleep when it rains.

I love the weather when it’s not hot or cold enough.

I love reading, especially love stories.

I love movies, especially the ones that bring out the best of families, patriotism, love and joy.

I love working as a hotel personnel.

I love to drive, idly, a lot.

I love to pamper myself.

I love to have my parents around when my 1^st child has a baby.

I love to drink and be merry.  

I love to have lots of money.

I love to have all my debts settled.

I love traveling and the idea of solo traveling around the world.

I love to dance.

I love exercise. Seriously I do!

I love to have a country wedding, although I know it’s not possible for me to come on a horse.

I love country songs and of course Scotty Mccreery the new American Idol season 10.

I love music and I celebrate my life with music.

I love the Pope and the Catholic Church.

I love Sabah’s history and the brave leaders of the past.

I love the British Monarchy. God bless and protects Prince William and Kate Middleton.

I love my nephews. Isaac & Emmanuel Lohindun. God bless and protects them both always.

I love cartoons. I miss Shanana.

I love looking beautiful.

I love leggings. Thank God for that!

I love my kampung.

I love the memories that I had made.

And lastly, I love to find out what more awaits me in the future.