Hear ye, hear ye!

It's official and the date is in. I'm getting married this September! Finally!!!!

And the preparation-blues has just kick in and I hope when the big day comes I still have my head.

 

Just being random (and silly).

I'm going to do something that's not in line with what I normally do which is having a beer or two to pass this miserable heat and also the time. A beer in mid afternoon. I must be losing my mind but a drink is a drink especially when you need it. So I'm gonna drink to that. Well maybe after I pass the minutes to my momma, then I'll go have that drink.

I was just thinking, I rather have that drink than to drown myself watching p***! Oh yes, I used to do that too. And with the same reasons: to pass time and the scorching heat. Anyway I've decided to put that p*** tubing as something in the past and get a replacement. I don't think 2 or 3 cans of good sport can do me big harm. And it's just for today. Actually no one can tell me what I can or cannot do. Others don't have a s***ty idea of what I've been through. So they don't really have the right or anything considerably nearer to that to ask me not to or do anything. Anyway I think I like being just a little over the board. It helps put things in perspective. Or maybe I just made that up in my mind. Well who cares? It's my freaking life anyway.

Music at its pure beauty

Thank God for country music. This is one of the reasons why I can still go along with my life. Because there's country music that helps the pain seem more bearable. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for the beautiful Country music.

Conway Twitty - Hello Darling

Conway Twitty - It's only make believe

Conway Twitty & Loretta Lynn - Easy Lovin'

Tammy Wynette, Loretta Lynn & Dolly Parton - 

Silver thread and golden needles

George Jones & Tammy Wynette - Golden Rings

And I bet there's a lot more from where all these came from. This is another escape for me, besides taking a long nap. I fnd joy listening to country music and the older the better. There's wisdom in their pain, in their voices that reach out to me and not only gives me hope but also the reason to believe in the good and pure things that still exist in my life despite all the heartaches and awful memories. 

I will always believe in country music. And I will pass it down to my children and hope they will find their path with this genre. As long as this world exist, so will country music.

Escape route: Slumberland.

I just want to pass a day without tears, without being tired and without heartaches. It's not about being understood. I don't want to be understood. I just want to be heard. I just want someone to say that my hurt is real and though it's painful, not everything is lost.

You know what I really want to do right now? I want to go to bed and just doze off to a land where nothing is real and yet it's beautiful. I don't feel like eating. I don't feel like I want to meet anyone. I just want to sleep. But still, I need to find space to do my rosary; the one single prayer that I know is keeping me alive.

I know what this is, this darkness that's hanging above my head. I know where it came from and why it's still around. I also know that even thou I know about it, knowing it exist does not help much. For as long as I keep shoving that pain underneath a rug I will be in this devastated state for a long time. And when I am in such state for a long time, tears, tiredness and heartaches will be my constant companion.

But at the moment, there's nothing I can do except to try and sleep over it.

Just a thought. Another lesson learned.

My life is a battle zone. Well, whose isn't? I'm just like everybody else but at the same time I am more on my own too. Whose life is not like mine? One minute I'm searching for peace, and the next seconds to come I found myself immersed in the noise. One minute I'm flying, and the next I hit a brick wall and am on my way down. And then when I thought I was going to 'die', I was saved because someone reached for me. And then I soared again. Sometimes for a few days, a few weeks and even a whole month long. And then it happened again. I hit another brick wall and found myself spiralling down again.. and then when I thought I was done this time, a hand reached out to me and I was saved again and once more. Life is indeed one kind of a ride. I can't plan anymore. Well I tried and thou sometimes it works, most of the time it doesn't.

I'm not sure if I can give a conclusion in this post. I'm not sure if there is any conclusion worthy to be shared anymore. All I know is that Life and me, we all just have to go through it. Sometimes we go through it together. Sometimes we have to do it alone. But I guess the best way is to go through it one day at a time. Not expecting too much of the future and not looking back too much on what has passed. Just walk on, slowly and try to stop sometimes to feel the air of the moment. Don't run. Life is so much more than just a race. It is indeed a journey, a long one too and that I learned from my own mistakes. Sometimes there is pain and sometimes there is joy. Sometimes, if we're lucky enough, it's both the pain and the joy. Life is not only for the strong of hearts. It's for everyone; the strong, the weak. We're all in it, together. We all need to share each other's burden, so that we can reach the end.

I hope I can reach the end. No matter what situation I will be in the end, I just hope I can reach the end, somehow, someday.

Am keeping my fingers crossed.

I guess you can say I was angry then. I knew what I was talking and I knew how bad it all sounded. And the truth was that it was indeed that bad. I was just so frustrated with everything. I wish this sad-season that I'm going through right now will be over pretty soon. There is still hope for me. It's a long way thou but hope is there.

I really don't need this right now.

My life is ridiculous!!! I wish I can turn into a monster and just let all the stupidity lie quietly underneath a rug. I feel ridiculous. I feel empty. I feel like a complete fool. Just what kind of life is this? I cannot go beyond what I can see right now. I cannot see myself in the next couple of years. I just cannot see anything. It's like I am not living this life for me. It's like my life is for somebody else. AND I HATE THIS!!! Everyone wants me to understand them that they want to understand me. WTF!!!! Everyone is getting somewhere while I am still stuck in a rut. AND THIS IS JUST STUPID!!!! I cannot post this on my FB. Because people won't understand what I'm going through. And yes, to hell with everyone.

So many things have happened to me. Too many painful memories that I just have to live by. One minute I'm soaring and then the next I'm just falling mercilessly and tremendously at a fast rate. I know this is the kind of life I need to go through after all that I've done or maybe didn't do. I just have to buck up and pretend that everything is ok. Because one thing I've learnt so far is that people don't really care what I've been through. People expect me to just move on and live my life to the fullest.. Well, to fuck with that! How I wish I can bang my table right now, because it's plain to see that they are imbeciles just because they want me to move on with this fucking life. Yes!!! I am angry.. angry with the friends who I thought were my friends. Angry with the people who I thought cared enough for me. Well I was wrong. People don't care. They are just concern with their lives and what I can do for them.

Yes. You can see here that I am a Catholic who swears and swears hard. I am frustrated and I have the right to make my anger be known. I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE FOR NOW!!! Don't you all get it. If you can't wait then fine with me. Just go and leave me alone. I never asked anyone to understand me. That is just beyond my league. If you want to stick around, fine. I really don't need this right now.

A prayer a day keeps the devils away.

My Lord and my God. You know what is in my deepest heart. You know what lies in the abyss of my bosom. Recently my world has gone out of control again and I'm left with nothing but silence; a total dark silence. Sometimes like now when I tried to write what I feel nothing appears. Pure emptiness has taken over my heart. I tried to dismiss it with happy thoughts. But for one who has gone through the belly of hell and came back alive, happy thoughts, positive thoughts, are all nothing but a perfect denial of reality. Be with me Lord, as I take on a day at a time. Let me know in your own ways all the things that I need to do for the day. Wipe these tears from my eyes, my God, for you alone can do that. And always guide me to see the beauty in others just as you want and intend me to see. 

+ My Lord and my God, you alone are my refuge and my strength. 

+ Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me. 

+ My dearest Mother Mary, please pray for me today.

+ Angel of God my guardian dear. To whom God's love entrust me here. Ever this day is at my side to light and guard, to rule and guide.