The strange healing

The talk moved me in every bits and pieces. Somehow it had made me so unsettled in the gut. As if I need to search for the answers. But, do I even have the question? I am going through a spiritual disturbance, which I know could not be the work of evil. It restrains me from my usual tendencies. My prayer life seems to have been uplifted to a level I've never known I'm capable of reaching before.

Then there is the Diary: The darkness and heaviness that comes from God, cannot be uplifted by anything or anyone except God permits it.

I'm not seeing visions. Nothing apparent so far. I'm not hearing voices, but I've been receiving distant whispers from the abyss of my heart. The scourging at the pillar, the site of Calvary, the instinct to help voluntarily in an institution, the drops of bloods, the urging to write about miracles.

I wish I can asked someone, who has the wisdom to tell me what I'm going through. But no such one has arrived on my path yet. At the moment, I'm dependent only to my Lord and my God.

What it's like to be a story teller?

Fulfilling!

I'm a regular contributor for Catholic Sabah and I love telling stories. Tapi ada masa-masa sedih when I know that I'm being judged because of my stories. Still that is the fact that I need to come to terms with. Begitulah bah hidup ni. We cannot control what other people wants to think. We don't really have a say when we are being judged. Of course we can respond because sebagai manusia that is our nature. For me, being a writer, being judged, being honored, being ridiculed, it's all part of my journey. There will be good days as well as bad days and so far there has even been both in a single day. I've been depress as well as walking on cloud-9. It's all part of the parcel. But when I stop writing,.... nothing. Simply nothing. No pain, no joy, no rage, no hope. All the normality that I used to experience, every single thing, was no where to be found in my 'world'. And that is scary. Because, saya percaya that when we don't feel anything, it's the same as being dead. To be dead while I'm still alive is meaningless.

And being meaningless is suicidal. So, I continue writing and continue being in a writer's mind because if I cease in being both I start to contemplate death more often than I should.

Jadi, what was the question again? What it's like being a story-teller? It's an out-of-this-world kind of living.

Tick Tock..goes the clock.

Katakanlah tomorrow I didn't get to tell my folks about my plans, terus amacamlah? How can I go on like this? I cannot lie to myself anymore. Bila saja I get the news yang my friends mau tunang sudahlah, mau kawin sudalah, sebak tau hati dan perasaan saya. Why? Because I want to be in that shoe, so much. I want to be in his life, so much. This is my happiness. It's not just about living my life but I want my happiness too.

Susah sangat ka permintaan saya ni? Why? Why parents saya tidak mau mengerti hati dan perasaan saya? As much as I am their daughter, first and foremost I am a woman. I have needs that only a man, this man, can achieve it for me. It's time I tell them what I want for my life, what I want for my happiness. It's just the time. 

Sharing my good news

I don't really know whether I should post this or not because some of 'you', my readers, are actually viewing my blog on my request. Anyway, saya ada ini deep feeling in my heart that's tugging me to share it here. So, okay. Here I go.. I'm getting married, very soon!

Finally, I've found the real reason why I want to get married. Because I love my man and I want his baby(ies). That's a calling, right there. I don't know what my future is going to be. I don't even know kalau perjalanan saya selepas kawin akan lebih baik daripada perjalanan percintaan kami sekarang, yang pernah sampai dead-ends more than I can remember. But, satu perkara yang saya pasti, I want to be a part of his life. Not just a wife, a mother to his kids tapi as myself as his friend.

Yes, he is not better than other man, but to me he is special. Lama juga kami bersama. And banyak juga yang sudah kami lalui bersama. Our love story so far adalah macam jalan cerita Hindi. Very beautiful, very heartbreaking, very rough, very long, very tiring but most of all very rewarding. Our story lah what had made me become Sukacita Tuhan today. And for this, there is only One person that I can think of, yang had made it all possible. GOD.

So here I go again. I'm getting married very, very, very soon, and all thanks and glory and honour to GOD alone.

Down memory lane. Bagus juga revisit sometimes.

Sambil saya online sama kawan lama saya on the other page, I felt like posting something. Untuk apa? Saja-saja. I also want to see where this will take me.

Sandakan will always have a special place in my heart. Walaupun tidak lama di sana but my first few years of learning how to live in a community started out right disana. Saya pun rasa if it's not because of Sandakan punya exposure at such an early age, I won't be the person I am today - someone yang (kononlah) sangat peramah. I think pandai juga terover friendly sometimes, but apa boleh buat la. Blame Sandakan for that!

Children should live as children. That is also another part of Sandakan yang saya suka and will always love to remember. My childhood was sometimes better than perfect. Betul ni! And I won't argue juga lah yang because of that better than perfect punya lifestyle, it did cripple some parts of my adult life. I'm still adjusting because of it, tapi I guess that imperfection is a must, sebab kalau tidak tiadalah si Sukacita Tuhan ini ber-blogging. Who would have thought the little girl yang dulu lari-lari main bubut-bubut sana di St. Mary's Church (now Cathedral), will one day have to go through hell to catch a glimpse of heaven?

Now, as I sit menghadap ni pc, in my mind, I can see my life back in Sandakan. The old government house, St. Mary's primary school, the church, para mak nyah yang selalu berkumpul every Saturday night di bawah bukit St. Mary (well yang ini was 24-20 years ago la, time saya di sana dulu), Batu 4, the clinic yang selalu saya kena bawa kalau sakit dekat pasar ikan, my friends, my dare-devil adventures time school, the dogs yang we lost while still there, either jatuh sakit or kena abduct, the evening jogs turun naik bukit tempat kami tinggal and banyak lagi la. One by one came into my mind ni.

Anyway, that was life then. I have to keep my mind in front and start living my life in the way that I should be living. But like I said in my title, bagus juga revisit the history sometimes. For me, it will keep me grounded and it works.

Come to my aid, my Lord.

Ok. So yesterday saya ada money issue. But prior to this, saya baru saja tahu yang when we pray we need to give specific details on what we're praying/ requesting/ asking for from God. Knew this from a friend dan juga from the Catholic Daily Meditations (CDM). I always thought kan, yang when I need to pray for something, I'm not 'supposed' to ask secara spesifik sebab it would make me look as if saya ini selfish di depan Tuhan. I don't know from where I get the idea tapi the thought is deeply rooted in my heart and veins. So, now that I know, I'm working on this.

And then ada satu lagi statement yang selama ini I'm having problem also.. and that is to include 'thy will be done' in my prayers. There is nothing wrong in that statement but, macam apa yang saya found out from the CDM, it's wrong to say it and at the same time meragui yang Tuhan will answer my prayers. Yes! When I think about it, I am exactly that kind of person just a few days ago, and masih lagi that same person but sekarang ada improvement suda sikit-sikitlah. Before, bila saya pray.. after making lists of permintaan la kan, somewhere mau dekat-dekat the end, saya mula meragui yang Tuhan will answer my request in time. Bila keraguan itu mula mengambil tempat dalam hati saya, I end my prayers with 'if it's not your will Lord, then let it be. For only Your will be done unto me'. It is supposed to be saya submit to my creator dengan rela hati. Tapi, instead, saya menyerah kalah.

Now, I'm hanging on to the words of my prayers. If it's going to take me like what Hannah (Women of God, from the Old Testament) did, when she came to Lord in all her pain, and God answered her, then I will do exactly that.

"Tuhan, saya tidak akan budge from my stand. I know You can see my anguish and the deep despair that I wear on my heart everyday. I beg you Lord, please do not cover Your face from me any longer. Please come and listen and answer me. Please do not turn me away for another day. I know You will come and for that I glorify Your name today."    

Keeping my mouth shut but my heart wide open.

Finally, last Saturday saya sudah pergi counseling and confession after months of torturing myself with the thought yang I will never find peace. Ini father yang saya pergi pun is not actually my 1st choice.. actually saya tiada pun terfikir mau jumpa dia during my months of tribulation. But, God showed me that I should go to him, dan saya lansung tidak dikecewakan. He didn't say much, because according to him words can pass and we will forget about it. I think that is so true as well. God does not want me to seek consolation in those touchy-touchy statements. He wants me to hear the plain truth, and that's exactly what I get.

Father X (sorry! I'm not revealing any names in respect of the priest punya privacy) told me to turn to Mother Mary in the blessed rosary. Dia cakap, 'if you go to Jesus, dia ada lambat sikit. Tapi kalau kau pergi sama mama dia, Mother Mary, with her intercession, He will answer, cepat.' Walaupun I was drenched in tears, my smile came naturally. I find it very interestingly mencuit hati.

So, I went in jam 9.50am and was already walking out half an hour later. The meeting was short alright but semua bebanan di jiwa saya yang saya tanggung for the last 18 months terangkat dan tiada yang tertinggal lansung. So again, praise be to God, for that! All glory and honor for Him alone! Bukan saja saya rasa ringan badan, hati, otak dan jiwa, I even learned my options and choices that I can make in the future, should things go astray again.

Perayaan Misa yang selama ini saya rindu untuk rasakan, finally I'm able to feel it again. And to my amazement, saya tidak menangis seteruk yang sebelum pergi counseling dan juga saya tidak tertidur. Now I can understand kenapa saya boleh tertidur dalam Misa before this. I was heavy with burden. Jiwa yang mengangkat beban yang berat selama 18 bulan sama macam saya angkat beras 5kg sepanjang 24/7 selama 1 minggu. Tempoh yang saya angkat itu, itu lah yang buat saya penat. Penat jiwa, penat badan, penat otak dan penat hati.

So, I bless God for His priests. I thank God sebab paderi-paderinya. Kalau bukan kerana mereka yang telah dipilih Tuhan sebagai paderiNya, I don't think I will be writing about this today. So, sekali lagi, praise be to God! All glory and honor for Him, forever and ever!

I think, penantianku sudah berakhir.

Paling last saya rasa kehadiran Tuhan time berdoa, would probably masa saya berumur 15-16 tahun. Lebih kurang 14 tahun yang lalu. Bila saya renung balik, rasanya macam lama juga la, tapi time saya melalui tempoh itu tidak pula terasa panjangnya.

Kalau dulu saya merupakan seorang belia yang aktif... and sometimes telampau aktif sampai, kalau sekarang saya pikir balik, saya sendiri pun rasa terkejut. Namun hakikatnya, begitulah kehidupan saya time remaja. I was so eager to do what I think is good in the eyes of God. And then, hormon saya mula berubah, dari seorang remaja yang fikir dia boleh buat/ jadi apa saja, to a young adult, yang mula berani untuk question things and fikir dia masih boleh buat/ jadi apa saja dia mahu as long as she put her mind into it. Untuk beberapa tahun yang pertama, it sure looked like things were easy-breezy. Tapi lepas tu, satu per satu, semuanya mula jatuh bergolek, till in the end, hanya kematian saja nampaknya jawapan yang paling bernas.

For a few years saya bergelut sendirian. I even came to a point where I really thought that God did not exist, but somewhere at the end of the day, kadang-kadang boleh juga sampai beberapa hari, I just let it go. Mungkin my subconscious faith, or my guardian angel, atau mungkin juga kedua-duanya, yang helped me go through those rough days.

Then one day, perasaan untuk marah pada Tuhan timbul tiba-tiba. Dengan air mata yang semacam tidak pandai berhenti dan rasa sakit di dada yang makin mendalam itu pedih, I pour out my whole life in front of God. Now, after that what happen? In the first few days, saya masih bergelut dengan reality dengan impian dan dengan dosa. Kematian masih kekal sebagai pilihan saya, time tu. But somehow, I was shown a way. Or maybe it was God yang tidak pernah berputus asa terhadap saya. Walaubagaimanapun, dengan sedikit keberanian yang masih ada pada diri saya, and a new faith, which now I know it must have been from God alone, saya bertindak dan saya mengambil pertolongan yang kini sudah berada di depan saya.

Praise be to God! Glory and honor is for Him alone! Secara rasminya saya berani mengaku yang kini I am saved. Bukan saja saya diselamatkan, tapi saya juga mula nampak apa yang perlu saya lakukan. Perlahan-lahan saya mula mengerti apa rencana Tuhan untuk saya. Namun kesedaran semacam ini tidak saya terima tanpa bayaran. So, berapa harga keselamatan saya ini? Tidak lain tidak bukan tapi dengan kehidupan saya sebagai seorang Kristian Katolik. When I say kehidupan saya sebagai seorang Kristian Katolik it's only a 2-word summary of my whole being: a daughter, a sister, a girl-friend, a friend, a best-friend, a parishioner, a writer, a worker, a sinner, an evangelist... and macam-macam lagi yang boleh saya terfikir peranan saya di dunia ini. Jadi, it's not easy. Tapi saya tidak perlu takut, sebab saya bukan sendirian. Sebelum saya, banyak sudah orang-orang pilihan Tuhan, yang juga datang dari background yang pelbagai, yang juga tidak kurangnya berdosa daripada saya, mungkin lebih lagi, yang sudah ataupun sedang berjaya.

Kalaupun saya masih susah lagi I have Mother Mary to turn to. Dengan iman saya tahu yang Bonda Maria tidak akan biarkan saya sendirian melalui semua ini. Jadi... kerana itulah saya berani untuk menyatakan yang penantian saya sudah berakhir. Saya sudah memulakan perjalanan yang baru.