You either got it or you don't have it at all.

I'm a total disappointment to myself. I made tons of promises which I don't keep. I forget things every now and then. I cheat when I'm suppose to be working. I go back to the same dark course after promising God and myself that I wouldn't. Are all these symptoms of my post trauma? Or am I just making all these up in my head? Is there really something beyond my power that is pulling me back and down on my knees all the time, or am I just plain lazy and a pure fool?

I am acting so weird and strange. I don't know how to tell between a hallucination and reality. I am getting weirder and stranger by the day.     

I will let the memories of you fill my heart and soul. I will never let the flame burn out.



In ever loving memory of

Fr Joseph Dapoz, MHM

(1920 - 2011)

Our loved ones who have gone before us are now our angels; and they are watching us closer than we can ever imagine.

The Perfect Picture

I believe in the Holy Spirit,

the holy Catholic Church,

the communion of saints,

the forgiveness of sins,

the resurrection of the body,

and the life everlasting.

Look to the Lord. Don't just look at the dead body.

Our journey in life is to be with God, someday soon. Yes indeed death is a dreadful occasion. But as a Christian who is a Catholic I need to embrace death as much as I embrace life. Why? Because that is what God wants me to do.

Biasalah – dimana ada kematian disitu ada kesedihan. But do not dwell in sorrow for too long. Macam dalam homily Archbishop John Lee today at the requiem mass of the late Fr. Dapoz. When Jesus saw how Mary cried for her brother, Jesus felt a deep sorrow in his heart and he wept too. But, not because of sadness he wept. His tears were of disappointment because Mary, one of the Bethany Sisters, still look to the lifeless body instead of to the One who gives life and the Resurrection.

Fr. Dapoz is now in heaven, rejoicing with Mary, the saints, angels and all the holy people who have made it there. That is my faith and saya percaya itu 100 percent. So what now, after the burial and everything? My life will continue its journey and, just like all my loved ones who had gone before me, the memories that we shared will always be in my heart.

I will keep Fr. Dapoz’s legacy alive: to love and serve the Lord and His people, in my calling. From now I will have the more reason to keep my eyes fix to the Lord. From now I will be in a more and better communion with the saints in heaven. From now I will be what God wants me to become. And since the journey will definitely have its own twists and turns, then Fr. Dapoz, please pray for me to Jesus. Watch over me and guide me so that I can be the person that Jesus wants me to be.

My God is the Biggest Loser when it comes to shedding those extra weight.

I'm gaining weight faster than taking breaths. At first, I thought I was going to get uglier and putting on some extra fats was just so not cool. Then something dawned on me, just a few moments ago. Does God wants me to see that my beauty does not depend on how look? That my beauty comes from within and even if I’ve gained just a bit more than the usual, but still under the radar, I can still be beautiful and happy?

Mungkin ooh kan??? I guess God pun tengok the Biggest Loser and he’s scaling our fats too, from heaven. Wow! Awesome!

When you're out to find God, expect wolves, birds, thunderstorms, beautiful rainbows and a small boat.

Perjalanan saya mencari siapa diri saya yang sebenarnya, tidak pernah kurang daripada sebuah adventure. At first I set out to find & know God. Somewhere along the line I learned that to find God is to find myself, atau is it to find myself is to find God? Anyway, in this long walk, I am supposed and about to find both.

Semua orang ada cerita mereka yang sendiri. Semua orang ada kesusahan dan kesenangan mereka sendiri. My story, tidak pernah kurang air mata, gelak ketawa, kemarahan yang membara, damai yang tidak terungkap. And I know that goes the same with everyone else, and it's just a matter of scale; ada yang lebih, ada yang kurang dan ada juga yang sama tapi tidak serupa.

To my confessors, I am just another weary soul; someone who is constantly struggling to lead a perfect live in the eyes of God, someone who would love to drop everything and move on but at the same time could not, because abandoning the cross is never an option.

So here I am rambling yang inda-inda, but just for the sake of sanity terpaksa talk about something before I lose my mind completely. I understand a lot of stuff, even things which I am not suppose to. I look at things in ways only few can relate to and still be able to smile and accept when people gave me the 'weird' look. And with so much of this going on I am actually fine with it. I don't mind being this way because I know this is just another part of me yang God wants me to find out.

So, before I end this and continue living out my sane insanity, a word of caution to everyone. When you're out to find God (or yourselves as a matter of fact) do expect hungry wolves, cute little birdies, hailstorms, half & full rainbows and a ride of a lifetime crossing the vast ocean in a small wooden boat.

The Last Dinosaur: Fr. Joseph Dapoz, MHM. (1920-2011)

Today at 6.30am, Fr Joseph Dapoz has gone back home to the Lord. ...

No words can express how painful it is to accept another passing. I always knew this day would come, it was just a matter of time. I hope my existence in his life has brought him some kind of joy although I didn't get to do much. He knows that I wrote for Catholic Sabah and more than once, whenever I got the chance to go to mass there, he acknowledged my effort with a nod. Thank you for reading my articles father. It means a lot to me, now that I know I've lost another faithful reader of mine. And I guess that's why it hurts so much.

Life goes on after this. But for now, this is for you father. This short note on how much you mean to me and how hard it is to know that it'll be a long time till the day I can finally talk with you again. The memories with you will forever be in my heart. I love you father. I will always love you.

Seeing New York.

In the back of every persons head there is a 'New York'; a dream of having made it BIG someplace and somewhere in life. 'New York' can either be physical, literal or a metaphore. One thing for sure, in my mind I have a vision of my kind of 'New York'. It is a place, it is a person, it is an achievement and it is a belief. Its form is still evolving as time goes by and as I continue this journey of mine.

Find yours and hold it close to your heart and never let go. I believe it's a gift from God and to cherish it is a gift from us to God

Conquering the peak.

It suddenly burst into my mind from out of nowhere on an ordinary afternoon. Then again, why not? I'm a Sabahan am I not? I am capable if I train hard enough right? Then I should do this. It's time.

Change is inevitable.

Life is a constant change and adaptation. Kadang-kadang it can be quite tiring to keep on changing or even updating. But without it, this life will have no colors. I think even 'black and white' is still a prettier view than having no change. So that's why I've decided to do some changes to my blog. I reset somethings so that it will give me and kamurang my readers a more personal touch. Life is personal-kan? And bukankah all the beautiful things in the world must be felt by the heart? So that's what I'm doing.

I'm embracing change so that I can grow to be a more beautiful person inside and out.

I need to put a face on to my fear.

Something is bothering me but I don't have a name for it. Saya harap it is keliru, but sadly it is not. So, I text one of my 'prayer warrior' friend. I said (and I'm jotting it down here in the exact same sequence).

Me: Can I ask you to pray for me? Because I really don't understand what's happening, or not, with me. I can't really explain what I'm feeling or facing. It's like my road is covered with a thick fog.

Friend: Okay, I will. You need to go to confession.

Me: Okay I will. Thank you so much.

I thought, will my whole heart and mind, that when my parent's give their consent on my relationship, every problem, every worry will disappear. Mana ada!! For the love of life, saya lansung tida expect yang I will still be visited by fear. Maybe, macam yang anak buah saya cakap, I think too much. It could be and that is also a sin - to worry. And yes I do need confession. Maybe from the confession then I can give a name to whatever is bothering me. It's hard to go into battle without knowing who is your enemy. If I wanna win this war I need to know who am I up and against with. I need to put a face on to my fear.

I miss you too..

I purposely tidak kasi taruh title in the beginning of my blog. I want to see where all this will lead me to.

1st of all, I thought I had lost this blog. When my soon-to-be niece asked me the title of this blog, then only I realized that I have not 'visited' my online diary for such a long long time. (Technically, when we don't post anything online for the past 1 month it is consider as 'long long time'). So what happen to me?

Work happen. Hotel happen. Events & Sales happen. And come to think of it, I was sort of running from something a few months back. From what - that I could not put my finger on. Life can be so unexpected sometimes. One moment I remembered and the next it got lost somewhere in my crowded mind.

By the way, my parent's already gave their consent and I'm proud to announce here that I will be engaged on June 11, 2011. Finally and with a very deep breath.

Since this is just a page of me saying that I have returned to the cyber world, so I won't drag it. Pandai boring juga tu kan. So... I see you around?