One and only - Adele

I found this vid this morning and I just have to share it. 

I've been here... the place where she talks about having 'that kind' of past. I know and I remember how it felt. Still... this song brings so much more than just a memory. It reveals my deepest thoughts and desire... and that alone is simply extraordinary. 

Love your music so much Adele. God bless you and may your legacy lives on.

Another intersection, another decision.

After 98 posts this blog is becoming very personal, and it is not what I had anticipated in the beginning. At first my intention was to become and internet phenomenon but it didn't quite worked out in the way I hoped it had. Instead, I found myself on a soul-searching journey with thoughts posted (boldly) for strange eyes to judge. This vicinity has become a sanctuary for me; I get an audience and I get to write my innermost thoughts… well at least it’s more than half-way deep into my reasoning, but strangely enough I always did it fearlessly. 

I don’t quite understand (yet) why I am doing what I am doing. No one told me to. No one even asked me to. I just feel like it is something that I should be doing. (And though at this very moment I don’t want to choke myself by hollering that it is for a greater purpose), as selfishly as this may sound I (do) feel like I am serving one. 

What I am trying to explain here is that, we all will start out somewhere at some point of our lives. Sometimes we thought, well I thought back then that ‘this’ is what I want or ‘that’ is exactly what I should do. Then half way into it, things or situations started to change. Priorities change according to needs, or needs change to incorporate with the recently found priorities. Whatever it is, change is necessary and it is inevitable. Sometimes we have a say in that process of changing. Other times we don’t and that’s the part where it hurts. Yet changes always come and have the final say.

Have I changed since the last 98 posts? Have I done any changes since then? The truth is I am constantly on the wheel of change. I am and exactly like the clay. Or like a garden. On some days I am beautiful and on certain days I am not. On some days I need to be pruned or I need to be remodelled and this situation, this process, hurts to the deepest core of my being. Yet, I have to go through it. I need to go through it. Because? Because it is how life works. It’s how God works.

So yes, today I have accepted that my blog is becoming personal and might not be of use to certain readers. Still I will continue blogging about my life, about my struggles, and definitely about how I reason things that happen around me. One thing remains, thou: I still want to see where all these will lead me to. I am still excited to see where it will end.

courtesy of Google Image

 

Who am I really am?

I never thought I am going to post this question again. Not that I have ever got an answer for it. It is just that, time has gone by so much... and life was passing by so quickly that I forgot such things. And then, like a bomb being dropped right in the middle of where I am, I am pulled into a circuit and I need to find a way out. That's when I heard 'Eli Stone' said about being 'gifted'. 

When you have a 'gift' remember that it is given. When you have a 'gift' you belong to the world. It is not up to you to say 'NO' or keep it back from the world. No matter how much you want to. 

I may not remember my 'gift(s)'. As a matter of fact I am not really sure if I have any anyway. Yet right now I feel like I am holding something back, something that does not belong to me. (And this is my cue to start crying). Seriously, I don't know where to start looking for answers. Do I need to know if I am gifted, then I can know what I am supposed to do? Or do I need to know what I am supposed to do, then figure myself out? I don't know where to start my search. I just don't know anything anymore. It feels like that part of me has been erased, and I guess I am the one who hold the rubber. 

Not knowing where you're supposed to go is scary. A broken compass means I am in big trouble. But I wouldn't be using a compass if I don't know how to work around it in the first place. Well, what I am trying to say is... if I don't know how to read the signs, I sure am considered lost. 

So what is this tugging feeling inside my gut that somehow is telling me like I am holding something back, something that is not mine, from the rest of the world? And though it isn't something that belongs to them either, there is a sense that they have the right to know about it too. 

I never asked to be given anything, in the first place. 

Of course it is. Or else it wouldn't be a 'gift' would it? 

Let me break this down on why this current situation is getting on my nerves. I have a severe identity issue crisis. And now with this 'gift' issue staring me straight in the face? It's overwhelming! (And this is my cue to get a breather).

Okay. Let’s forget for a moment about the whole sum-up that I just gave a while ago. Let's try to look at it from a different angle. Maybe I am not that 'gifted' after all. Maybe this is just a game I am playing with my head because I am being too sensitive with my surroundings which is the result of my pre-menstrual hormones. Yes. That could probably be it. And as time goes by, everything will fall back into perspective again. 

Okay. And that's how I am going to end this post. (And this is the cue for the juries to deliberate).

Hear ye, hear ye!

It's official and the date is in. I'm getting married this September! Finally!!!!

And the preparation-blues has just kick in and I hope when the big day comes I still have my head.

 

Just being random (and silly).

I'm going to do something that's not in line with what I normally do which is having a beer or two to pass this miserable heat and also the time. A beer in mid afternoon. I must be losing my mind but a drink is a drink especially when you need it. So I'm gonna drink to that. Well maybe after I pass the minutes to my momma, then I'll go have that drink.

I was just thinking, I rather have that drink than to drown myself watching p***! Oh yes, I used to do that too. And with the same reasons: to pass time and the scorching heat. Anyway I've decided to put that p*** tubing as something in the past and get a replacement. I don't think 2 or 3 cans of good sport can do me big harm. And it's just for today. Actually no one can tell me what I can or cannot do. Others don't have a s***ty idea of what I've been through. So they don't really have the right or anything considerably nearer to that to ask me not to or do anything. Anyway I think I like being just a little over the board. It helps put things in perspective. Or maybe I just made that up in my mind. Well who cares? It's my freaking life anyway.

Music at its pure beauty

Thank God for country music. This is one of the reasons why I can still go along with my life. Because there's country music that helps the pain seem more bearable. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for the beautiful Country music.

Conway Twitty - Hello Darling

Conway Twitty - It's only make believe

Conway Twitty & Loretta Lynn - Easy Lovin'

Tammy Wynette, Loretta Lynn & Dolly Parton - 

Silver thread and golden needles

George Jones & Tammy Wynette - Golden Rings

And I bet there's a lot more from where all these came from. This is another escape for me, besides taking a long nap. I fnd joy listening to country music and the older the better. There's wisdom in their pain, in their voices that reach out to me and not only gives me hope but also the reason to believe in the good and pure things that still exist in my life despite all the heartaches and awful memories. 

I will always believe in country music. And I will pass it down to my children and hope they will find their path with this genre. As long as this world exist, so will country music.

Escape route: Slumberland.

I just want to pass a day without tears, without being tired and without heartaches. It's not about being understood. I don't want to be understood. I just want to be heard. I just want someone to say that my hurt is real and though it's painful, not everything is lost.

You know what I really want to do right now? I want to go to bed and just doze off to a land where nothing is real and yet it's beautiful. I don't feel like eating. I don't feel like I want to meet anyone. I just want to sleep. But still, I need to find space to do my rosary; the one single prayer that I know is keeping me alive.

I know what this is, this darkness that's hanging above my head. I know where it came from and why it's still around. I also know that even thou I know about it, knowing it exist does not help much. For as long as I keep shoving that pain underneath a rug I will be in this devastated state for a long time. And when I am in such state for a long time, tears, tiredness and heartaches will be my constant companion.

But at the moment, there's nothing I can do except to try and sleep over it.

Just a thought. Another lesson learned.

My life is a battle zone. Well, whose isn't? I'm just like everybody else but at the same time I am more on my own too. Whose life is not like mine? One minute I'm searching for peace, and the next seconds to come I found myself immersed in the noise. One minute I'm flying, and the next I hit a brick wall and am on my way down. And then when I thought I was going to 'die', I was saved because someone reached for me. And then I soared again. Sometimes for a few days, a few weeks and even a whole month long. And then it happened again. I hit another brick wall and found myself spiralling down again.. and then when I thought I was done this time, a hand reached out to me and I was saved again and once more. Life is indeed one kind of a ride. I can't plan anymore. Well I tried and thou sometimes it works, most of the time it doesn't.

I'm not sure if I can give a conclusion in this post. I'm not sure if there is any conclusion worthy to be shared anymore. All I know is that Life and me, we all just have to go through it. Sometimes we go through it together. Sometimes we have to do it alone. But I guess the best way is to go through it one day at a time. Not expecting too much of the future and not looking back too much on what has passed. Just walk on, slowly and try to stop sometimes to feel the air of the moment. Don't run. Life is so much more than just a race. It is indeed a journey, a long one too and that I learned from my own mistakes. Sometimes there is pain and sometimes there is joy. Sometimes, if we're lucky enough, it's both the pain and the joy. Life is not only for the strong of hearts. It's for everyone; the strong, the weak. We're all in it, together. We all need to share each other's burden, so that we can reach the end.

I hope I can reach the end. No matter what situation I will be in the end, I just hope I can reach the end, somehow, someday.

Am keeping my fingers crossed.

I guess you can say I was angry then. I knew what I was talking and I knew how bad it all sounded. And the truth was that it was indeed that bad. I was just so frustrated with everything. I wish this sad-season that I'm going through right now will be over pretty soon. There is still hope for me. It's a long way thou but hope is there.