My lamentation.

How is it possible that I can still smile? That on some days I can still be happy, as if nothing has happened, nothing has changed? As I live my daily routines, I bear my pain alone. I could not burden the others of my past guilt and shame for they have their own burdens to bear. Not once but twice I have taken that awful decision and now my life is shattering and falling, a piece at a time. 

An overwhelming sense of numbness has been a faithful companion of mine. I don't know if this feeling is because of my own choosing or it's part of what has happened not so long ago. I don't know how long I can tolerate with this kind of solitude. I don't know if I have enough strength to go on and be normal like nothing has ever happened or changed.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock. There goes the sound of time slipping away from my hands. How much longer do I have to wait before the angel of life come knocking on my door, and finally I can go home and see my little angels on the other side of this world?

At the lowest point, yet again!

You know what's the terrible part of being a writer? It's the moment when you are being bombarded by tonnes of inspirations but the computer is nowhere near you. I tried carrying a notebook. But somehow my writing brain is not functioning like how it did 10 years ago. I tried holding the thought in a supposedly safe space in my head but when I got to my laptop the idea's gone. Now that is totally unfair! And the other pathetic thing, but need to embrace whether one likes it or not, is the writer's block. I'm riding that for almost a year now. It's not just unfair, it is ugly and the feeling of unworthiness just bogs me down. It's depressing, insulting and even ripping me of my own value. Not that I have any to be proud of, but the value of just being human. 

How can one say s/he is a writer, if s/he is not writing anything? I am no writer. Blogging about my pathetic writer's life can't be seen as anything near to what a writer should be writing about. This past few weeks has been a torment for me. Yet, somehow, in my deepest soul I am still clinging to the idea that I can be save. Somewhere in this dark passage I am bound to find the light. Somehow this journey has been written for me and that I should stick through it no matter how difficult it seems. Yes the burden is heavy. Yes the journey is long and treacherous. But if my Creator thinks that I should go through this because of His divine plan then I think I should go through it too. I don't think there's any other road for me but the one I am on right now. Because although it's hard and sort of drags me down, so low until I could feel the taste of dirt on my lips, I know He is here with me. Holding my hand and making sure I won't hurt myself. It's a weird revelation but it's the truth. 

Lord, let me see you in these darkness. Let me always feel your presence and find comfort only in you. Strengthen me with your spirit for you alone can see me through. You alone are my source of life. In you alone I trust.     

The stars can only be seen at night.

And indeed the stars can only be seen at night. 

I often wonder, when will I ever be free of this treacherous darkness? It's beyond bewilderment to find myself smiling, a genuine kind of smile, and yet my soul is falling deep into the cold belly of nothing-ness. I feel happy but at the same time a piercing emptiness is at the core of me, and it often leaves me wondering in a confusing sadness. Questions like why, how, when, what and even who stick around me so much and, sometimes, even disgracing me by surprise. 

What am I if I cannot write any longer? Who am I if I cannot find the perfect words to create life on a piece of paper? My life is build because I am a story-teller. I have come into existence because I am a Catholic who tells stories of hope, love and faith. But what will happen to me if I cease telling these stories? What will happen to the lives that is waiting to hear and be strengthened by my stories?

Courage. That is what every story-teller should have in their blood. At least that is what I have learned from my own life. Courage to tell the truth when the world needs to hear it; Lies, to catch betrayers in their own game of conceit; Courage to hold the truth in the face of persecution and shame; and even courage to let go of love and see how God moulds it into his own vessel of hope. Yet, am I such a person? Am I courageous? 

The darkest of night has set on me again, tonight. May I find the courage to look up and search for the stars, even when the dark clouds of rain have blanketed the whole sky. 

My Lord and my God. Be with me tonight. 

Now I have all the time in the world to do what I really want..

.. and what was is already? I have been putting a lot of my dreams on hold and it has been a few centuries ago. Now, with all my debts crawling down my spine, this new upgraded life as a wife, and probably a mom soon, I don't know where to start picking up the pieces. I definitely want to take up a degree in Communications, find a job with all the time in the world, help my baby stabilize our financial affairs, and yes get over this scandal. 

There's so much on my plate right now. So many disappointed friends. I hope I can get by or even better get over everything very soon. 

My journey continues.

There are still some parts of my life that remains unsettled, hidden and silence. But whatever it is, life has to go on and I just have to be strong. I still have to find the answers and I know some of my questions will remain unanswered, for now. Do I worry? Worry is my middle name. But I'll try not to think about it too much. Like what I've been advised, 'Troubles will come and go.. just enjoy and learn from every moment. Because each moment will come to pass. Cherish whatever it is that you have right now. Don't drool about the future or the past, too much. There are times to do that. Just take a deep breath, gather whatever strength you have for the moment and take one step at a time'. 

So, let me raise my glass right now. A toast for my past; for the lessons learned. For the future; and all its surprises and mysteries. For now; the happiness, the tears, the memories and the love. For all that has made me, me. To Life ~ Cheers. 

Into your hands, Lord.

Everything begins to take on a new meaning. Everything seems to fit into the right places now. I am who I am today because of my memories and my past. And as I flipped back the pages, with courage and with hope, and sometimes with a few drop of tears, I realized that in every event of my life God has his hands imprinted on it. I was not alone. I was never alone. And today I have accepted that my journey will continues. I still have a long way to go. But I am not afraid anymore because today I know that God will continues to hold my hand. He will fill me with his strength. He will fill me with his spirit.  

One and only - Adele

I found this vid this morning and I just have to share it. 

I've been here... the place where she talks about having 'that kind' of past. I know and I remember how it felt. Still... this song brings so much more than just a memory. It reveals my deepest thoughts and desire... and that alone is simply extraordinary. 

Love your music so much Adele. God bless you and may your legacy lives on.

Another intersection, another decision.

After 98 posts this blog is becoming very personal, and it is not what I had anticipated in the beginning. At first my intention was to become and internet phenomenon but it didn't quite worked out in the way I hoped it had. Instead, I found myself on a soul-searching journey with thoughts posted (boldly) for strange eyes to judge. This vicinity has become a sanctuary for me; I get an audience and I get to write my innermost thoughts… well at least it’s more than half-way deep into my reasoning, but strangely enough I always did it fearlessly. 

I don’t quite understand (yet) why I am doing what I am doing. No one told me to. No one even asked me to. I just feel like it is something that I should be doing. (And though at this very moment I don’t want to choke myself by hollering that it is for a greater purpose), as selfishly as this may sound I (do) feel like I am serving one. 

What I am trying to explain here is that, we all will start out somewhere at some point of our lives. Sometimes we thought, well I thought back then that ‘this’ is what I want or ‘that’ is exactly what I should do. Then half way into it, things or situations started to change. Priorities change according to needs, or needs change to incorporate with the recently found priorities. Whatever it is, change is necessary and it is inevitable. Sometimes we have a say in that process of changing. Other times we don’t and that’s the part where it hurts. Yet changes always come and have the final say.

Have I changed since the last 98 posts? Have I done any changes since then? The truth is I am constantly on the wheel of change. I am and exactly like the clay. Or like a garden. On some days I am beautiful and on certain days I am not. On some days I need to be pruned or I need to be remodelled and this situation, this process, hurts to the deepest core of my being. Yet, I have to go through it. I need to go through it. Because? Because it is how life works. It’s how God works.

So yes, today I have accepted that my blog is becoming personal and might not be of use to certain readers. Still I will continue blogging about my life, about my struggles, and definitely about how I reason things that happen around me. One thing remains, thou: I still want to see where all these will lead me to. I am still excited to see where it will end.

courtesy of Google Image

 

Who am I really am?

I never thought I am going to post this question again. Not that I have ever got an answer for it. It is just that, time has gone by so much... and life was passing by so quickly that I forgot such things. And then, like a bomb being dropped right in the middle of where I am, I am pulled into a circuit and I need to find a way out. That's when I heard 'Eli Stone' said about being 'gifted'. 

When you have a 'gift' remember that it is given. When you have a 'gift' you belong to the world. It is not up to you to say 'NO' or keep it back from the world. No matter how much you want to. 

I may not remember my 'gift(s)'. As a matter of fact I am not really sure if I have any anyway. Yet right now I feel like I am holding something back, something that does not belong to me. (And this is my cue to start crying). Seriously, I don't know where to start looking for answers. Do I need to know if I am gifted, then I can know what I am supposed to do? Or do I need to know what I am supposed to do, then figure myself out? I don't know where to start my search. I just don't know anything anymore. It feels like that part of me has been erased, and I guess I am the one who hold the rubber. 

Not knowing where you're supposed to go is scary. A broken compass means I am in big trouble. But I wouldn't be using a compass if I don't know how to work around it in the first place. Well, what I am trying to say is... if I don't know how to read the signs, I sure am considered lost. 

So what is this tugging feeling inside my gut that somehow is telling me like I am holding something back, something that is not mine, from the rest of the world? And though it isn't something that belongs to them either, there is a sense that they have the right to know about it too. 

I never asked to be given anything, in the first place. 

Of course it is. Or else it wouldn't be a 'gift' would it? 

Let me break this down on why this current situation is getting on my nerves. I have a severe identity issue crisis. And now with this 'gift' issue staring me straight in the face? It's overwhelming! (And this is my cue to get a breather).

Okay. Let’s forget for a moment about the whole sum-up that I just gave a while ago. Let's try to look at it from a different angle. Maybe I am not that 'gifted' after all. Maybe this is just a game I am playing with my head because I am being too sensitive with my surroundings which is the result of my pre-menstrual hormones. Yes. That could probably be it. And as time goes by, everything will fall back into perspective again. 

Okay. And that's how I am going to end this post. (And this is the cue for the juries to deliberate).