At the lowest point, yet again!

You know what's the terrible part of being a writer? It's the moment when you are being bombarded by tonnes of inspirations but the computer is nowhere near you. I tried carrying a notebook. But somehow my writing brain is not functioning like how it did 10 years ago. I tried holding the thought in a supposedly safe space in my head but when I got to my laptop the idea's gone. Now that is totally unfair! And the other pathetic thing, but need to embrace whether one likes it or not, is the writer's block. I'm riding that for almost a year now. It's not just unfair, it is ugly and the feeling of unworthiness just bogs me down. It's depressing, insulting and even ripping me of my own value. Not that I have any to be proud of, but the value of just being human. 

How can one say s/he is a writer, if s/he is not writing anything? I am no writer. Blogging about my pathetic writer's life can't be seen as anything near to what a writer should be writing about. This past few weeks has been a torment for me. Yet, somehow, in my deepest soul I am still clinging to the idea that I can be save. Somewhere in this dark passage I am bound to find the light. Somehow this journey has been written for me and that I should stick through it no matter how difficult it seems. Yes the burden is heavy. Yes the journey is long and treacherous. But if my Creator thinks that I should go through this because of His divine plan then I think I should go through it too. I don't think there's any other road for me but the one I am on right now. Because although it's hard and sort of drags me down, so low until I could feel the taste of dirt on my lips, I know He is here with me. Holding my hand and making sure I won't hurt myself. It's a weird revelation but it's the truth. 

Lord, let me see you in these darkness. Let me always feel your presence and find comfort only in you. Strengthen me with your spirit for you alone can see me through. You alone are my source of life. In you alone I trust.     

The stars can only be seen at night.

And indeed the stars can only be seen at night. 

I often wonder, when will I ever be free of this treacherous darkness? It's beyond bewilderment to find myself smiling, a genuine kind of smile, and yet my soul is falling deep into the cold belly of nothing-ness. I feel happy but at the same time a piercing emptiness is at the core of me, and it often leaves me wondering in a confusing sadness. Questions like why, how, when, what and even who stick around me so much and, sometimes, even disgracing me by surprise. 

What am I if I cannot write any longer? Who am I if I cannot find the perfect words to create life on a piece of paper? My life is build because I am a story-teller. I have come into existence because I am a Catholic who tells stories of hope, love and faith. But what will happen to me if I cease telling these stories? What will happen to the lives that is waiting to hear and be strengthened by my stories?

Courage. That is what every story-teller should have in their blood. At least that is what I have learned from my own life. Courage to tell the truth when the world needs to hear it; Lies, to catch betrayers in their own game of conceit; Courage to hold the truth in the face of persecution and shame; and even courage to let go of love and see how God moulds it into his own vessel of hope. Yet, am I such a person? Am I courageous? 

The darkest of night has set on me again, tonight. May I find the courage to look up and search for the stars, even when the dark clouds of rain have blanketed the whole sky. 

My Lord and my God. Be with me tonight. 

Now I have all the time in the world to do what I really want..

.. and what was is already? I have been putting a lot of my dreams on hold and it has been a few centuries ago. Now, with all my debts crawling down my spine, this new upgraded life as a wife, and probably a mom soon, I don't know where to start picking up the pieces. I definitely want to take up a degree in Communications, find a job with all the time in the world, help my baby stabilize our financial affairs, and yes get over this scandal. 

There's so much on my plate right now. So many disappointed friends. I hope I can get by or even better get over everything very soon.