One and only - Adele

I found this vid this morning and I just have to share it. 

I've been here... the place where she talks about having 'that kind' of past. I know and I remember how it felt. Still... this song brings so much more than just a memory. It reveals my deepest thoughts and desire... and that alone is simply extraordinary. 

Love your music so much Adele. God bless you and may your legacy lives on.

Another intersection, another decision.

After 98 posts this blog is becoming very personal, and it is not what I had anticipated in the beginning. At first my intention was to become and internet phenomenon but it didn't quite worked out in the way I hoped it had. Instead, I found myself on a soul-searching journey with thoughts posted (boldly) for strange eyes to judge. This vicinity has become a sanctuary for me; I get an audience and I get to write my innermost thoughts… well at least it’s more than half-way deep into my reasoning, but strangely enough I always did it fearlessly. 

I don’t quite understand (yet) why I am doing what I am doing. No one told me to. No one even asked me to. I just feel like it is something that I should be doing. (And though at this very moment I don’t want to choke myself by hollering that it is for a greater purpose), as selfishly as this may sound I (do) feel like I am serving one. 

What I am trying to explain here is that, we all will start out somewhere at some point of our lives. Sometimes we thought, well I thought back then that ‘this’ is what I want or ‘that’ is exactly what I should do. Then half way into it, things or situations started to change. Priorities change according to needs, or needs change to incorporate with the recently found priorities. Whatever it is, change is necessary and it is inevitable. Sometimes we have a say in that process of changing. Other times we don’t and that’s the part where it hurts. Yet changes always come and have the final say.

Have I changed since the last 98 posts? Have I done any changes since then? The truth is I am constantly on the wheel of change. I am and exactly like the clay. Or like a garden. On some days I am beautiful and on certain days I am not. On some days I need to be pruned or I need to be remodelled and this situation, this process, hurts to the deepest core of my being. Yet, I have to go through it. I need to go through it. Because? Because it is how life works. It’s how God works.

So yes, today I have accepted that my blog is becoming personal and might not be of use to certain readers. Still I will continue blogging about my life, about my struggles, and definitely about how I reason things that happen around me. One thing remains, thou: I still want to see where all these will lead me to. I am still excited to see where it will end.

courtesy of Google Image

 

Who am I really am?

I never thought I am going to post this question again. Not that I have ever got an answer for it. It is just that, time has gone by so much... and life was passing by so quickly that I forgot such things. And then, like a bomb being dropped right in the middle of where I am, I am pulled into a circuit and I need to find a way out. That's when I heard 'Eli Stone' said about being 'gifted'. 

When you have a 'gift' remember that it is given. When you have a 'gift' you belong to the world. It is not up to you to say 'NO' or keep it back from the world. No matter how much you want to. 

I may not remember my 'gift(s)'. As a matter of fact I am not really sure if I have any anyway. Yet right now I feel like I am holding something back, something that does not belong to me. (And this is my cue to start crying). Seriously, I don't know where to start looking for answers. Do I need to know if I am gifted, then I can know what I am supposed to do? Or do I need to know what I am supposed to do, then figure myself out? I don't know where to start my search. I just don't know anything anymore. It feels like that part of me has been erased, and I guess I am the one who hold the rubber. 

Not knowing where you're supposed to go is scary. A broken compass means I am in big trouble. But I wouldn't be using a compass if I don't know how to work around it in the first place. Well, what I am trying to say is... if I don't know how to read the signs, I sure am considered lost. 

So what is this tugging feeling inside my gut that somehow is telling me like I am holding something back, something that is not mine, from the rest of the world? And though it isn't something that belongs to them either, there is a sense that they have the right to know about it too. 

I never asked to be given anything, in the first place. 

Of course it is. Or else it wouldn't be a 'gift' would it? 

Let me break this down on why this current situation is getting on my nerves. I have a severe identity issue crisis. And now with this 'gift' issue staring me straight in the face? It's overwhelming! (And this is my cue to get a breather).

Okay. Let’s forget for a moment about the whole sum-up that I just gave a while ago. Let's try to look at it from a different angle. Maybe I am not that 'gifted' after all. Maybe this is just a game I am playing with my head because I am being too sensitive with my surroundings which is the result of my pre-menstrual hormones. Yes. That could probably be it. And as time goes by, everything will fall back into perspective again. 

Okay. And that's how I am going to end this post. (And this is the cue for the juries to deliberate).