The talk moved me in every bits and pieces. Somehow it had made me so unsettled in the gut. As if I need to search for the answers. But, do I even have the question? I am going through a spiritual disturbance, which I know could not be the work of evil. It restrains me from my usual tendencies. My prayer life seems to have been uplifted to a level I've never known I'm capable of reaching before.
Then there is the Diary: The darkness and heaviness that comes from God, cannot be uplifted by anything or anyone except God permits it.
I'm not seeing visions. Nothing apparent so far. I'm not hearing voices, but I've been receiving distant whispers from the abyss of my heart. The scourging at the pillar, the site of Calvary, the instinct to help voluntarily in an institution, the drops of bloods, the urging to write about miracles.
I wish I can asked someone, who has the wisdom to tell me what I'm going through. But no such one has arrived on my path yet. At the moment, I'm dependent only to my Lord and my God.
Sep 22, 2010
Sep 3, 2010
What it's like to be a story teller?
Fulfilling!
I'm a regular contributor for Catholic Sabah and I love telling stories. Tapi ada masa-masa sedih when I know that I'm being judged because of my stories. Still that is the fact that I need to come to terms with. Begitulah bah hidup ni. We cannot control what other people wants to think. We don't really have a say when we are being judged. Of course we can respond because sebagai manusia that is our nature. For me, being a writer, being judged, being honored, being ridiculed, it's all part of my journey. There will be good days as well as bad days and so far there has even been both in a single day. I've been depress as well as walking on cloud-9. It's all part of the parcel. But when I stop writing,.... nothing. Simply nothing. No pain, no joy, no rage, no hope. All the normality that I used to experience, every single thing, was no where to be found in my 'world'. And that is scary. Because, saya percaya that when we don't feel anything, it's the same as being dead. To be dead while I'm still alive is meaningless.
And being meaningless is suicidal. So, I continue writing and continue being in a writer's mind because if I cease in being both I start to contemplate death more often than I should.
Jadi, what was the question again? What it's like being a story-teller? It's an out-of-this-world kind of living.
I'm a regular contributor for Catholic Sabah and I love telling stories. Tapi ada masa-masa sedih when I know that I'm being judged because of my stories. Still that is the fact that I need to come to terms with. Begitulah bah hidup ni. We cannot control what other people wants to think. We don't really have a say when we are being judged. Of course we can respond because sebagai manusia that is our nature. For me, being a writer, being judged, being honored, being ridiculed, it's all part of my journey. There will be good days as well as bad days and so far there has even been both in a single day. I've been depress as well as walking on cloud-9. It's all part of the parcel. But when I stop writing,.... nothing. Simply nothing. No pain, no joy, no rage, no hope. All the normality that I used to experience, every single thing, was no where to be found in my 'world'. And that is scary. Because, saya percaya that when we don't feel anything, it's the same as being dead. To be dead while I'm still alive is meaningless.
And being meaningless is suicidal. So, I continue writing and continue being in a writer's mind because if I cease in being both I start to contemplate death more often than I should.
Jadi, what was the question again? What it's like being a story-teller? It's an out-of-this-world kind of living.
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