Happy 50th post - Looking back at the journey.

For a minute there I thought I've run out of ideas on what to blog about. For the past 49 posts, I've bared it all out here. My fears, my simple pleasures, my heart and, with utmost brutality, my mind; the one place no one with a weak heart should ever go.

Now, what else is there to write? What is new with me today, or maybe since the last 24 hours? Owh. There's one. A friend has confided with me her troubled relationship. So, like any good sport and being such creative innovator, I lend some advises, which I never thought I've got it in me. And you know what, it worked out. Not entirely settled but they had a good start and there's progress. Now, whadaya know? I can actually be a pretty good counselor, with a pinch of nutcrack of course. Hahaha. That's definitely another reason for me to be proud of myself.

Then there's this chat that I had with a friend of mine, who's actually studying right now in Aussie. I hope she reads this. *winking mercilessly*. We're talking about my plan to do solo travel, something about searching another part of myself on the road. Well, I didn't really thought about it that way before but as we talked, yeah, I kinda get the feeling and saw the fuller version of my reason to do it. It's all about spirituality. Like I said in my few previous blog I'm not running away from anything and this is not about being immature.

There are many female solo travellers out there, around the globe, and there are tons of reasons alright. So for me, this is just another journey I need to do for myself, to feed my thirsty soul. The soul that wants to be one with her Creator while seeing the other faces of the world. That's my reason to travel the world on my own. I know God will protect me from harm, like He always does.

Then, there's my crazy addiction with Scotty Mccreery's rendition of The River, originally done by the legendary Mr Garth Brooks. Is it the song, the lyrics or just his calm and deep mesmerizing voice that caught my soul? It's everything about his voice and the song and the words. I don't just relate to it all I'm actually living the whole thing out. It taught me to choose to chance the rapids and dance the tide. And today I'm doing exactly that. Doing what my heart wants to do and just face my fears head on. Never before had a song left me with such an impact. Never. Nada. Mei-you. Aiso. Tiada. Only this. And I'm glad that 'this' finally happens.

So, that's pretty much everything since the last 24 hours for me. I hope your 24 hours has made you appreciate life more, too.    

Just raise your sail and ride with the wind of change.

There's bound to be rough waters. Any kind of seas, nothing calm can last that long. But with God as the captain, you know by faith there's nothing you can't go through.

I don't know how long my positive episode will last. Before, I used to pray and hope that it will last through the night, through the week and even for a few months. But now, with every positive energy that I receive from the good Lord, I will make the best out of it to help myself and others to be a day happier. Being Melissa El, you don’t know when you’re gonna slump to the dumpters and when you’ll rocket sky high. By now, I guess you’ve pretty much figured out that my mind is no kids’ playground. That’s why I am thankful that today, this very second, I am smiling and feeling so blessed with how I have turned out to be.

I’ve learned a very valuable lesson and from now on I will not torture myself with worrying how to keep this good vibe moving in me. Whenever I have the chance to be joyful I will do whatever it takes to create something wonderful so that you and me will have another beautiful reason to celebrate life.

So let me repeat myself again;

There’s bound to be rough waters and I know that I’ll take some falls.

But with the good Lord as my captain, I can make it through them all.

Yes I will sail my vessel till the river runs dry.

Like a bird upon the wind, these waters are my skies.

I’ll never reach my destination if I never try.

So I will sail my vessel till the river runs dry.

Follow your heart. Follow your happiness.

I've done complaining. I've done crying. I've done my share of wailing and whining. Today I've found my heart and the road that leads to my happiness. It's time for me to thread on that road and thou life still has its own twists and turns I've seen the end with my faith and I'm not looking away anymore. 

So, if today you still found yourself unhappy, after trying very hard to be happy, you know it's time to go with your heart, turn to the road that leads to your happiness and don't lose sight of it. May we all find strength with this song, The River, a sweet rendition by Scotty Mccreery the boy who's out and chasing his happiness. 

No more.

Dear Lord, 

No matter where I am, what I do and who I'll be, don't let me go through it all alone. 

Remind me always of your love, even when no one else is standing by my side. 

Whisper in the wind if you have to. Just let me know that you're always with me. That's all I ask of you today. 

Yours forever true.

The heart that hopes

 

When leaves started to fall,

I know that autumn is here.

But, when I find your eyes

looking beyond the horizon,

no season can prepare me 

for the pain that is to come.

Life,

too precious to be lived alone.

I hope you see,

the yearning in my eyes.

How I long to find you smile, again.

Please say that you will stay,

for another hour, 

for another season.

Let reasons run free

for who can reign what is wild.

Let the owls hum the darkness away

for who can escape what is pain.

So, let your love stay with me, tonight,

and let it burn my being 

to ashes and to dust,

for who can surrender what is timeless,

what is eternity.

S.O.S - need an Excitement transplant!

The paper work is getting too much for me to handle. My romance is becoming staler by the minute. Family problems are getting out of and beyond my control. The mission remains undisturbed. All of these are screaming for one thing only: I NEED SOME EXCITEMENT!!!

Of course I feel blessed because of all that I have right now. And yes I am luckier than some people and I know that very well. I just want to take a break from all of it. That’s all. And no I am not running away or avoiding responsibility.

You might be wondering, what the hell prompt me into writing this enigma today? And yes, you are absolutely right. The leaves in the tree won’t sway if they’re not disturbed. This morning I bumped into an old flame. I don’t know if he saw me but I know what I saw, and there’s no mistaking an old flame with someone else.

And that brought me back to the days when I was still a careless budding flower. I miss the old days and my-carefree-self. Back then I was a ruthless tigress. I rammed and cleared almost everything that stood in my way. I did what I had to do and, somewhere along the line, added a little pinch of sugar and spice to make everything nice.

So, coming back to my current situation, I just need some excitement and that’s just about it. I’m not seeking for anything illegal. Just something that can satisfy my thirst for adventure and has the labels 'ONLY FOR ADRENALINE JUNKIES' and 'NOT RECOMMENDED FOR THOSE WITH HEART PRONE DISEASES'.

Next stop, .... Paradise??

I have never gone out of my country yet. Well I hope one day, before I am too old or too sick to do any flying, I will get to do just that - travelling and see new things. As I watched and read the experience of other people who had done it I can't help but feel a little green. And often wonder to myself when it will be my turn.

No matter how human we all are, culture is the epitome that signifies one neighbour from the other. And what better way to know a culture but travel. No matter where we are in this world civilization has its own distinct roots. Thou a system may seem strange from what we are used to it’s a perplex phenomenon that we just have to learn to accept and enjoy while travelling.

My question, again: When will I get to travel and see new things?

The sleepless night activity

Basically, it's ten minutes to 11pm, where I'm at. My blues has definitely gone down to normal right now. Thank you Jesus for that. Sleep is avoiding me but I don't blame it since I took some some coffee earlier on to ease the jitters. So, here I am, posting, once again, and now I'm thinking of making another change for this blog. I'm browsing for catchy templates, reader-friendly widgets. I just hope I do it right this time. I may revamp the title again, and maybe even the link. Like what I once said, change is inevitable and its a risk. No one can be sure whether its right or wrong. Only time can be the judge of that.
....
Unsuccessful attempt. Bummer!

Cut myself some slack.

Gosh. I can be such an pain in the ass, don't I? Everybody has a bad day. Everybody went through it within their own means. Some handled it well while others may need some help. Nevertheless, everybody has had a bad day. I know I'm not the only one who has to deal with bad days every 2-10 seconds a minute. I know that when I say it's tiring, there are people out there who knows that its worse for them. So... I can still count my blessings and try not to be a sore whiner because I know there are people out there who are going through tougher ordeals, but can still keep up with a smile.

Can anyone hear me?? Hello? Someone??

I just can't seem to find my grounds on committing to a project. First, I so-called booked myself on a mission. And then I bailed out even before I start the dirty work!!! WTF is wrong with me??? I don't like being like this anymore. I don't want to be the one who is crushing my own dreams. I don't want to keep on disappointing myself. It seems like I am the only one responsible for keeping myself down. I dragged myself over the edge, over and over again. I am the one who is actually holding a knife and is about to slit my own throat. Yet something or someone, somehow, is restraining me.

WELL WHOEVER YOU ARE, CAN'T YOU STOP MYSELF FROM RUINING MY OWN LIFE??? I DON'T LIKE TO BE IN THIS GAME ANYMORE!! Please.. God if you're reading this, please help me. Please stop me from hurting my life.

Tons of people have been saying to me that I have potential. And I believed them. It's just that that belief is not strong enough for me to actually live by it. And to make it worse, I don't know what is. The events in my life has been like a whirlpool; sucking me in so deeply that I'd come out more confused than before. Whatever I'd accomplished in the past does not seem to matter now, because I don't seem to remember any of them.

Am I losing my mind? Am I suffering from some kind of dementia? I'm in Borneo. Where can I find help? If anyone, someone, is reading this, please help me. I don't want my life to end just yet.

What silver lining??

It's a day filled with back pain, unsatisfied romance, dried up resource, sour moods, empty tummy and splendid graffiti of emotional distress. And the progress of my so-called commitment? No where in sight.

... and so they say.

More than just cramps and stifling pain.

I know I'm nasty whenever my PMS is visiting. Lately its getting out of hand. I can snap and shut down without any warning. I can leave and misbehave without any scotch of guilt, but will usually live to regret in the next couple of minutes. Being me has never been this tiring. Maybe it's because of the age. Yep I am getting old and I better do something about it before I become such a grumpy haggard. What a huge turnaround my life can be within 24 hours. One minute I'm sky high and next I feel like choking the life out of someone. 

 

Maybe I'm hallucinating, again. Maybe this is a game my hormones are playing on me. Well, imagination or not, I'M NOT LIKING IT ONE BIT. I hate being this confused when the 'confusing times' came. How do you stop this bloody PMS? How do I win this?  

Excuse me, but who died exactly and made you king of anything????

Being the silent rebel, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS SONG. It's like a good long-awaited whack on the head and it made me remember that I should be proud with the kind of shoe I'm walking in, today! :))))

Lately I noticed that my attitude is going through a rollercoaster change. And lately too a lot has been changing around me. Opportunities are coming up. Breakthroughs are feasible. A few things which I've been struggling before began to loosen up for me. I hope this period of abundance last longer this time. Who knows ya when the drought will come(?) But for now, my only care is to enjoy these moments like a Queen.

Welcome to my 2nd humble home: My crazy mind.

Yes. I've just invited you didn't I? If I made it sound like I was desperate, well I was. It's getting lonelier here. So I thought why not I get some friends to accompany me. It won't be that hard. I'm just opening myself up to receive more potential judgments, that's all. Well judgments or no judgments, being who I am and what I did for a living, I am aware of the limitations this line has to offer. So, I am ready... I think. Well I just have to see how I cope with this new audience, which is YOU.  Hope you will enjoy your time here. I pray that you will. Please feel free to put down some comments (whatever it is) and we'll see where this ride will take us to.

The essence of me blogging

I haven't quite started my work yet, because we just had our electricity back. I know! *eyes rolling* It's a bad excuse. I can't help it because I'm so addicted to this blog. I don't really know who's reading 'me' but the thought that there are curious eyes prying my deepest thoughts is just so captivating. It’s like meeting Peter Pan and the lost boys and getting to know that I can fly. Oh, don’t we all just love magic and fairy tales and how they make us feel. *smiling*


Writing this blog, to me, is like creating magic. You know. Like the ones we see on tv; from a colorful hanky to a beautiful white dove. Life is full of magic. I know! Try telling me this when I'm in one of those deep-rooted depressed feeling. Still it is magic, with all its ordinaries, day in-day out regimes, chartered course...if only one can see it from a different pesona, even for a second. I am still thinking about my project thou. I'm onto something, you can be sure of that. Very soon the baby will be born. And when it comes life, my life perhaps, will not be the same. 

morning ramblings

Time: 11:42am 
Location: My office @ Inanam, Sabah
Weather condition: (What I can see from the my window) The mountains are receiving some rain. The farthest blue colored mountain is almost invisible because of the fog which is the handmade of the morning rain. 
Traffic condition: (Also from what I can see through my window) Considerably still fine despite lunch time is just another 15 minutes or so. 
My mood: At the moment.... I guess I'm pretty much in control right now. I'm only rushing myself to get some of the reports done (which I know would probably be half done yesterday should I had not occupy my thoughts with unnecessary drama).. :((( .. 
Action taken:
1) Work-wise - I need to get back to it pronto!! 
2) Growling tummy - Still thinking what to eat with only rm5-2 in my purse.
3) Blog project - Still thinking what to make out of it. Still trying to figure out the best approach that suits me. 

That's all for now. Will update in the next 2-3 hours if boredom has not set in yet.

He he.. now that reminds me of me.. wadaya know!!

Help me picture my new baby.

OK. So it's 3:30pm right now in KK, Sabah, Malaysia, and I still haven't touch my work! Great, isn't it! Bad? Of course it's bad because I feel bad for not feeling that bad about not doing a single work today. So what exactly am I doing right now? Well, at least I should have something on my sleeve to compensate the time I've been wasting today. Alright-ey then. I'll spill.. I'm thinking of creating another blog. Something that looks more professional, more informative and more about what I love to do and be doing. So I browse mercilessly from one blog after the other. My fingers are moving and clicking the mouse like no one's business. I need to find an idea somewhere, somehow and fast. So I found out this website which gives a 100 ideas on blogs that he thinks 'I' should do. This is something, I thought. So I run through the list and... jeng jeng jeng.. I found it. Well I actually found a few that seem to ring the same level of connection with my brain waves and soul. I'm gonna list it here and hopefully, if there is someone who is actually reading this right now, you could help me decide which topic suits me better. And should there be no responds from the 100 gazillion possible people out there I will still take me time out and work on this new project of mine. This should be fun, I think??!!

1) On no. 91 - Interview with a veteran. I love talking with people, whether their young, old, religious or carefree, famous or living on the low key, whoever and whatever. There is so much I can learn from someone, the do's and the don'ts of life and perceptions. If I do this it needs more than just hard works. I need to be disciplined and I need to actually call, make an appointment, come up with good questions, do a write up, get the approval and then post it on the blog. I need to take pictures, do a follow up if it's necessary and keep on finding fresh ideas on subjects and who to talk to. Oh the my goodness...

2) On no. 83 - Letting go. I could talk about the things, in my daily life, that I have learned to let go or in the process of letting go. I could put in my struggle and the victories. It can be anything. From habits to cravings. From anything that is solid to pure conceptions.

3) ...

Damn! I only found 2 ideas that suits me. Hey. I think I can actually pull this together. Well, I guess it is never too late to redesign a passion. I will still keep this one as my personal journal. I have great memories here. Didn't I just discover my new baby here?

Insatiable hormones IS HERE.

Again... so many things had happened since the last couple of days. And now, while I am trying to digest the situations, here I am, I've wasted almost 7 hours of my day (today) being idle and unproductive. In a way I do feel like I'm cheating my boss because I'm not doing what I'm suppose to be doing, which is my job. I just feel so bloody damn lazy today. I started my day by waking up late.. which is at 8. Then I didn't rush myself to work. I even found the time to buy myself breakfast and ate it at my table without the slightest feeling of guilt, while everyone around me is working quietly in their cubics. I still feel sleepy and tired, and even a bit morbid right now. I'm very distracted but I don't know what I'm thinking. This is the usual phase which I have to go through everytime my menstruation cycle is approaching. If I'm not crying myself to sleep or craving for sweet release delicacies, I will definitely be in this state of pure 'I don't give a hoot' to whatever or whomever. Is this unhealthy? Is this even normal? Right now, I just don't give a s***.

The cry of abandonement.

They said writing is a form of therapy. Well, at times such as these, anything that can lessen the deep pain in my heart I am more than willing to take it up. Will drinking my nights away help me forget the pain even for just a little while? Why not? Now I understand why some people would do anything just to taste the sweetness of escape. The pain does not just hurts. It does not just dampen the spirit. It's a bloody, damn, God-forsaken, stab felt pain kind of a burden that, not only wears the heart out, it tears the heart into every possible direction imaginable. And how could one stand straight with such mess and blood? How could one even lives for another day? And to top it all, it's the season of Lent; the holy and one of a kind season where one should be praying to be directed and led to the Cross. Coincidence?

God what are you thinking? What in heaven's name do you want me to do, let alone achieve? There is so much a spirit can achieve. Sometimes you are just so unfair. Maybe it is my mistake. OK, it's my mistake. I was scared and I made the wrong decision. But please, I beg you Lord, please. Please lift this dark cloud of my shoulder. Please let me see the road and give me directions. Please, I beg don't leave me here alone. I know you're here. But it sure feels like I am all alone with this heavy cloud blinding my very sight. I can't even see my hands. It is just so dark. Let me see your light, Lord. Please let me see your light. Even if it's just a flicker. Please Lord, please. 

... 

 

My prayer for strength.

God, your works are mysterious. Sometimes it can be so overwhelming and on other times it is just too hard to comprehend. Yet, I still believe that you have your reasons and no matter how worse it gets I believe your hand is here holding me and never letting me go through it all alone. 

Whenever I'm about to fall Lord, grab me and pull me back to my feet. 
Should I fall Lord, and have no desire to rise again, just grab me and pull me back to my feet. 

Jesus, if this relationship is from you, then help me to see it through. Yet, should this be not of your will, then help me to go through it too, calmly and with your strength. I cannot do this alone Lord. I have no strength to walk in the valley of darkness alone. So be by my side Lord. Please be by my side.

My dearest Mother. Guide my heart, my mind, my actions, my feelings and my soul, so that I can see what Jesus wants me to do and to be. You too have gone through a period of uncertainty. Please be with me Mother, as I pass through my period of uncertainty. Please be with me, my precious Mother. 

Jesus, Mary & Joseph, save souls!

THE CONVERSATION

I've been a bit quiet since Monday, because a lot has happened since then. I've been making visits into my past and because of that past trauma seems to have resurfaced again.

Fear. Why do people fear? Why did God let such feeling to even exist? 

Its existence is to add meaning when finding the right strength.

What if people give up, even before they started, because of fear?

Would you give up on something that holds the rope to your life?

You don't understand Lord. We are mere creatures with weaknesses. Some of us just don't have the choice. 

I created you. And I did not forget to insert options in your life. 

Jesus, I am scared. So scared that sometimes I thought of running away from it all. I even thought suicide. 

Yes. Yes you did thought it all. But you are still here. You are still breathing and you are still with me.  

A covetous affair requires a covetous woman.

I'm not married. I'm not owned. But even if I am, what is stopping me from having an affair? Whenever I heard the word affair, it is almost as if it is being whispered just under the breath. In my heart it sounds tempting, dangerous and desirable, almost in the wickedest way. So with all that said, why am I not in an affair? Am I not desirable enough? Am I not dangerous enough? Am I not a temptress? What is a woman if she is not desirable, not dangerous and not even a temptation?

The never ending story of self hate.

The sad part of having a mind like mine is that you will probably spend most of your adult life trying to remember who you are, back when there is only you and God alone in this world. It's a battle field my mind. 95% of the time my mind is always at war and it is such an ugly sight. How could anyone stand it with me? Even I will abandon myself when the fight begins. I hate to keep on asking myself who am I over and over again. I hate to keep on thinking my past over and over again. At this moment I just hate having this kind of mind. I hate myself for making me so miserable. I hate this so much. I really really hate this.

There goes my only possession. There goes my everything.

Today I'm not going to write much because so many things had happened in the last few days. Things like I now know stuffs which I'm not supposed to know (I think), my views or perceptions on some people has changed dramatically and now I'm standing on a bridge, a feeling I despise so much, I'm getting quieter and even found myself stepping back more than what I normally do. Since when I became a spectator? When and how did I change? What happened? Is this another phase? Another doze from my ever raging hormones. Is this permanent? Am I getting old or something? Did I miss the train?

The song below says a lot about how I really feel this very moment. Don't enjoy. Please. Just bear with me and be with me.

Happy 24th posting to ME!!

This is my 24th post and it's official: I am a narcissist blogger. That's a strong word indeed but I think I do make the cut on some of the traits. I talk about myself, my life, my expectations, my point of views.. all the my's, me's and I's. Once in awhile I do talk about others, describing how their existence impacted my life on that particular day. But then after a few seconds the story will still come back to me, how and what I'm doing, I've done and will do.

Today I saw a 'Sally' dropped me a message on my cbox. Oh my, I was extremely excited. Thank you 'Sally'. Keep on dropping me messages yes. Love it dude! To think just a few months back, or was it weeks ago, when I thought that this blog will only be seen by the light of my eyes... Wow! And now there's a 'Sally'. How cool is that? For me, a self-proclaimed but underachieved writer, to get that one anonymous message is beyond my imagination. Can't wait where this part of the road will lead me to. So stay tune folks, because this ride is going to get wilder. Yee-haw!

The hunt continues to another day..

Well, at least I got an idea how I want my wedding invitation to be like. I'm not gonna spill everything here but just a clue or two; it's gonna be all pastel and close to the heart. A wedding ceremony should be about the couple, right? ... Well, to me, half of it is absolutely about us as a couple and half of it is all about our life; the family we're born into, the dis/ likes of our nature, the heritage that we're proud to inherit and the faith that has and will keep us strong. This wedding will not be something that people are going to remember or talk about but simply a memory that I want us to remember and love retelling it to our children over and over again.

We have indeed gone so far to get to where we are and will be in a year or two from now. Of course I want to celebrate the achievement and journey with style. It's him, it's me and it's US. We are a team who loves being in style.



A favour too much.

Today I don't feel blue, or suicidal or even crazy. I'm feeling very natural. I still found myself getting annoyed now and then. But other than that, I'm doing pretty fine. Now starts my new project. I know that I still have more than a year to plan for the wedding but it's nice to do research and find out what, which and where suits best. Today it's all about the colours and combinations. It's one thing to have a theme and another to give the occasion a gloss of character. For me I decided to choose the later, since my future husband and I are having mixed emotions about our favourite colours: WE DON'T HAVE ONE, AND WE SEEM TO LOVE ALL. So, I'm going to post a couple of pics here and would appreciate it very much if you could help me with narrowing down the selection.

black & blue

black & blue & a stinch of white

 yellow & black

 green & black & white on some

purple sunset

 purple daisies

 red & black

yellow flower & a dab of green

P.S. - My fiancé and I want to have a wedding that says a lot about us; our personality, our individuality, our strength as a couple and our love. We are both very strong minded people in our own senses and terms. We are all mushy & gooey, sometimes for me, while for him whenever he has a glass or two of montoku too much. Haha! I’m a hopelessly romantic buffoon while he is the most romantic fool I’ve ever known. So, I hope these bits of pieces can guide you in doing your selection for us. Thank you so much.