Memories that will always remain as it is.

At 29, I'm missing my school days back in Sandakan. Those long years, I thought, of growing up in my good old hometown Papar. My short adventure in KL. My difficult yet fun time college days. The few work places that had taught me a lot about patience and being the kind of person I am tonight. I never thought I would miss those days and years. But this song has brought me home and hits me hard. I know what its saying and I know the painful truth that I must swallow tonight. Although those days are gone but going back and revisit some memories will only make my life tomorrow a lot more worthwhile to live through.

And the question continues to exist, breaking my soul bit by bit.

The question is still here. Who am I? What is it that I want? Why do I still have this emptiness within me?

I thought after all that I’ve been through things will get better. That I’ll see a clearer picture and the light that shows the path will get brighter. But it didn’t! To make things worst I’m starting to mix fiction and reality. I’m starting to have troubles distinguishing what’s real from what’s not.

Why? Why is it so hard for me to just be normal and do what this world has considered as normal? Why do I have to question everything? Why do I have to think about everything? Just what the f*** am I? Who the f*** am I?

Yes I am cursing my brains out because I don’t like THIS thing I am in right now. I am cursing myself because I feel like a loser. I can’t seem to get things done, or to do things right yet I have the nerve to feel like I am born to do something great. This is insane. I am insane and right now I am crying in front of my computer while pouring out my pathetic life.

And this has got nothing to do with anyone else. No one is responsible with this situation I’m in now other than myself. How can the blame be on someone else when I am the one who is feeling something and nothing all at the same freaking time? I feel like I need to do something and yet be somewhere else.

How can this be just another PMS? It doesn’t feel like some dysfunctional hormones attacking my nerves. Something is tying me down. I know it because although my eyes are wide open at the back of my mind I can see the road leading to a dark path. And I need to go through that dark path because, in my heart, I believe that it’ll lead me to the place where I want to be. Is this some sort of imagination that I’ve created during my sleep? Maybe! But it seems real and scary and it’s driving me there.

Right now, I just want to find some answers so that I can sleep. And my question is; who am I? What am I?

   

My last sentence.

I want this to be written on my tombstone.

"She failed a lot but she was adamant to live her life. And she did it."

I wonder if I can pre-order the head stone below with the inscriptions. Hmm..

In pursuit of my vortex.

Right now I’m reading the Witch of Portobello by my all-time favourite writer Mr Coelho. I've come to the part where Athena has just discovered that, although she is at the right path in receiving and giving love, there is still a part of her that is missing. She needs to know who her birth mother is. Prior to this discovery, she was learning the art of calligraphy. From what the teacher told her, a repeated action will cease being just a repeated task when the fingers that stroke the brush have in it the heart and soul of the calligrapher. And then I thought about the way I had prayed all this time, especially the Rosary. Such a tedious task and in some points such a burden. And yet that would only mean that my heart and soul was not entirely in it. I prayed because I want answers to my questions or my problems to be settled. I never prayed just because it is a beautiful prayer to be said. I never thought it that way. I never thought about it that way other than to fulfil my own needs. I wanted to be in that state of 'ecstasy' just like how Athena found hers when she danced the 'Dance of Vortex'. She wanted to be one with her Creator through music, through movements. And she would do it repeatedly just to be in that state of being outside of her body. I would like very much to taste that kind of 'ecstasy’ and I hope I will someday, when I have learnt to accept the Rosary as a beautiful prayer. Nothing more and nothing less.  

It was never about fishing, or dancing, or even hiding the presents under the tree.

One more day and I'm half way there. I don't want to let this moment pass me by without a thought or two about my folks. Yep my lovely parents. Oh yes, they too have had their share of regrets and guilt. But tonight I'm not going to hold that against them. Tonight I'm going to reminisce just the good times and dwell into the memories that will give me the brightest smile.

So mummy and daddy. This song by Trace Adkins, Just Fishin' is for the both of you. Because now I know, all those years, it has never been just about 'fishing'. It's about making the memories last when you could and should.

The things I love.

I love Hilary Bestan.

I love Kaamatan.

I love Sabah.

I love being a Kadazan.

I love my church.

I love God.

I love all my loved ones that had gone before me and I never forget them.

I love my family, even thou they can sometimes drive me up the wall.

I love animals except lizards, snakes, frogs, toads and everything that looks un-cute.

I love to day dream and find myself somewhere in my own kind of London in my mind.

I love sexy clothes.

I love chocolates.

I love my mama’s food.

I love Hilary’s cooking too.

I love singing, whether in the church as a choir or during a karaoke session with my buddies.

I love talking to old people because it makes me feel like I’m from a different century.

I love watching the rain.

I love to sleep when it rains.

I love the weather when it’s not hot or cold enough.

I love reading, especially love stories.

I love movies, especially the ones that bring out the best of families, patriotism, love and joy.

I love working as a hotel personnel.

I love to drive, idly, a lot.

I love to pamper myself.

I love to have my parents around when my 1^st child has a baby.

I love to drink and be merry.  

I love to have lots of money.

I love to have all my debts settled.

I love traveling and the idea of solo traveling around the world.

I love to dance.

I love exercise. Seriously I do!

I love to have a country wedding, although I know it’s not possible for me to come on a horse.

I love country songs and of course Scotty Mccreery the new American Idol season 10.

I love music and I celebrate my life with music.

I love the Pope and the Catholic Church.

I love Sabah’s history and the brave leaders of the past.

I love the British Monarchy. God bless and protects Prince William and Kate Middleton.

I love my nephews. Isaac & Emmanuel Lohindun. God bless and protects them both always.

I love cartoons. I miss Shanana.

I love looking beautiful.

I love leggings. Thank God for that!

I love my kampung.

I love the memories that I had made.

And lastly, I love to find out what more awaits me in the future.

Finally the road is not so treacherous anymore.

I am ready to forfeit my 29 years of solid independence in exchange with a whole new adventure as a fiancé first and then the ultimate wife. I pretty much have all the theories up in my head. The do's, the don'ts, the would be's and the could be's, and not forgetting the will's. I try to imagine how other's before me prepared themselves before adapting the new role or do they, like what I'm about to do myself, just jump off the plank and see what's really under the sea. And like the sea there are wonders and also dangers, lurking and waiting to be discovered.

I guess the only way to be prepared is to pray that no matter what happens I will put my trust, my life, my husband, my kids, everyone in the family and everything else in God's hands. I am in transition and to tell you the truth it's a lot of hard work than I think. Sometimes, when the going gets really tough, and there are nights when the thought of giving up is there, I do wonder why I am doing this. Life is good the way it is so why do I want to change that? And then the answer, like always, just pops into my tiny mind. It is evolution. At a point in my life I just need to make a decision if I want to continue my legacy. And so I choose to get married and start my own family.

To do that I need to find that one man that can make it all possible. And that man has finally come along. We’ll exchange vows and make a promise before God and our loved ones that we’ll always be there for each other, for our families and for our community. We’ll stand by each other, ready to defend and fight for love and for our faith. And then, when rainy days happen or storms came passing through we promise to survive it together and, when hope seems lost, just hang on by God’s hands.

I know it will not be that easy but I believe it is possible. Love is the only reason for everything and I believe that, because I am the by-product of destruction that has been saved by love alone. I am the proof of a redeemed crushed dream. I’ve been in the abyss of darkness, tasted death and saved by God’s hands. So I know and I believe that love does conquer everything. In the end, all of us will survive the calling as what we have answered.  

The beautiful inner healing.

Something beautiful happened during the healing service last night.

You all know, (well those who know me personally might get what I mean by this), how my mind works and how I am always sort of haunted by my own unstable emotions. It can deeply affects my thoughts and leave me disoriented for at least several weeks. You read my blog. You saw how I put my status in my Facebook account when those darkest moments 'came for a visit'.

I went unprepared to the service yesterday, and maybe even with a little smirk on my face. I sort of know what I was getting myself into but I did not expect for such a touch from God last night.

The Great Spirit of God made me see the missing links and told me ‘in a way’ that things will be alright from now on. I believed Him. I really believe that I am finally free of the chains that have been holding me back. The healing was brief but it made me free, just like what the preacher has promised, ‘that it works only if you believe’.

I saw that I did not grieve ‘properly’ and in the way that I should when my grandmother passed. Only last night, when I was given the chance to walk back into childhood and come up face to face to that very moment, had I realised that my grandmother was everything to me growing up. I was given the privilege to ‘know’ that during my conception I was somehow a ‘surprise’. So when my sister came 2 years after me, when all the attention goes to her, I find my solace with grandma. And when she passed, maybe I was just too young to understand, I did not shed the proper tears.

Yet, last night I did. Oh how I have missed her. I did not know if it’s an imagination or something that is divine intervention, but I ‘saw’ her and I hugged her at first in my current state as an adult and then the vision changed into my grandma embraced me in my childlike state. We exchanged no words, only glances, smiles and whole lot of tears.

Now I understood why I am sometimes so overcome with an unknown sadness. There would be days and nights where I would just cry not knowing why. And there are moments when I will do everything to make those tears come because I just want to get over it and be done with it. Now I know. And I’m glad it’s over. I’m really glad that I have a God who loves me so much that all He wants is to see me happy.

Thank you Jesus for coming into my life. Thank you for saving me from the horrors of hell. Thank you for your love, the never ending and undying love for me. Today I’m a free woman. Today I know that everything is and will be good. Thank you my Lord and my God.

+ Glory be to the Father, and the Son and the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be world without end.

My colour for peace.

Who am I? Once again I am being haunted by this question. I don’t think it’s a midlife crisis because I know I’ll face this dilemma in every 2 or 3 months apart. Yet, lately, a sense of void-ness is lingering over me and causing me to doubt myself, pressing harder on me this time around.

So who am I exactly, if I’m allowed to even ask this kind of question, openly? Collectively, I can only know a fraction of myself from the eyes of others. But, am I even brave enough to hear the truth? And, what is the truth? I can drink in all the favorable notions, but what if I am about to learn the ugly side of my existence? Did I cause someone to lose hope? Did I make someone doubt his own strength? Have I made anyone’s life a day happier? Or am I the cause of their suffering?

Who am I? What did I do? What have I done, so far?  

Why is it important for me to get all these answered? So that I will know that at least I am making something ‘good’ out of my life. I am creating some sort of impact in this universe, even if it is just a small crack. Only then I can feel some peace, for peace is what that has been stripped off from me, for a very long time.