The things I love.

I love Hilary Bestan.

I love Kaamatan.

I love Sabah.

I love being a Kadazan.

I love my church.

I love God.

I love all my loved ones that had gone before me and I never forget them.

I love my family, even thou they can sometimes drive me up the wall.

I love animals except lizards, snakes, frogs, toads and everything that looks un-cute.

I love to day dream and find myself somewhere in my own kind of London in my mind.

I love sexy clothes.

I love chocolates.

I love my mama’s food.

I love Hilary’s cooking too.

I love singing, whether in the church as a choir or during a karaoke session with my buddies.

I love talking to old people because it makes me feel like I’m from a different century.

I love watching the rain.

I love to sleep when it rains.

I love the weather when it’s not hot or cold enough.

I love reading, especially love stories.

I love movies, especially the ones that bring out the best of families, patriotism, love and joy.

I love working as a hotel personnel.

I love to drive, idly, a lot.

I love to pamper myself.

I love to have my parents around when my 1^st child has a baby.

I love to drink and be merry.  

I love to have lots of money.

I love to have all my debts settled.

I love traveling and the idea of solo traveling around the world.

I love to dance.

I love exercise. Seriously I do!

I love to have a country wedding, although I know it’s not possible for me to come on a horse.

I love country songs and of course Scotty Mccreery the new American Idol season 10.

I love music and I celebrate my life with music.

I love the Pope and the Catholic Church.

I love Sabah’s history and the brave leaders of the past.

I love the British Monarchy. God bless and protects Prince William and Kate Middleton.

I love my nephews. Isaac & Emmanuel Lohindun. God bless and protects them both always.

I love cartoons. I miss Shanana.

I love looking beautiful.

I love leggings. Thank God for that!

I love my kampung.

I love the memories that I had made.

And lastly, I love to find out what more awaits me in the future.

Finally the road is not so treacherous anymore.

I am ready to forfeit my 29 years of solid independence in exchange with a whole new adventure as a fiancé first and then the ultimate wife. I pretty much have all the theories up in my head. The do's, the don'ts, the would be's and the could be's, and not forgetting the will's. I try to imagine how other's before me prepared themselves before adapting the new role or do they, like what I'm about to do myself, just jump off the plank and see what's really under the sea. And like the sea there are wonders and also dangers, lurking and waiting to be discovered.

I guess the only way to be prepared is to pray that no matter what happens I will put my trust, my life, my husband, my kids, everyone in the family and everything else in God's hands. I am in transition and to tell you the truth it's a lot of hard work than I think. Sometimes, when the going gets really tough, and there are nights when the thought of giving up is there, I do wonder why I am doing this. Life is good the way it is so why do I want to change that? And then the answer, like always, just pops into my tiny mind. It is evolution. At a point in my life I just need to make a decision if I want to continue my legacy. And so I choose to get married and start my own family.

To do that I need to find that one man that can make it all possible. And that man has finally come along. We’ll exchange vows and make a promise before God and our loved ones that we’ll always be there for each other, for our families and for our community. We’ll stand by each other, ready to defend and fight for love and for our faith. And then, when rainy days happen or storms came passing through we promise to survive it together and, when hope seems lost, just hang on by God’s hands.

I know it will not be that easy but I believe it is possible. Love is the only reason for everything and I believe that, because I am the by-product of destruction that has been saved by love alone. I am the proof of a redeemed crushed dream. I’ve been in the abyss of darkness, tasted death and saved by God’s hands. So I know and I believe that love does conquer everything. In the end, all of us will survive the calling as what we have answered.  

The beautiful inner healing.

Something beautiful happened during the healing service last night.

You all know, (well those who know me personally might get what I mean by this), how my mind works and how I am always sort of haunted by my own unstable emotions. It can deeply affects my thoughts and leave me disoriented for at least several weeks. You read my blog. You saw how I put my status in my Facebook account when those darkest moments 'came for a visit'.

I went unprepared to the service yesterday, and maybe even with a little smirk on my face. I sort of know what I was getting myself into but I did not expect for such a touch from God last night.

The Great Spirit of God made me see the missing links and told me ‘in a way’ that things will be alright from now on. I believed Him. I really believe that I am finally free of the chains that have been holding me back. The healing was brief but it made me free, just like what the preacher has promised, ‘that it works only if you believe’.

I saw that I did not grieve ‘properly’ and in the way that I should when my grandmother passed. Only last night, when I was given the chance to walk back into childhood and come up face to face to that very moment, had I realised that my grandmother was everything to me growing up. I was given the privilege to ‘know’ that during my conception I was somehow a ‘surprise’. So when my sister came 2 years after me, when all the attention goes to her, I find my solace with grandma. And when she passed, maybe I was just too young to understand, I did not shed the proper tears.

Yet, last night I did. Oh how I have missed her. I did not know if it’s an imagination or something that is divine intervention, but I ‘saw’ her and I hugged her at first in my current state as an adult and then the vision changed into my grandma embraced me in my childlike state. We exchanged no words, only glances, smiles and whole lot of tears.

Now I understood why I am sometimes so overcome with an unknown sadness. There would be days and nights where I would just cry not knowing why. And there are moments when I will do everything to make those tears come because I just want to get over it and be done with it. Now I know. And I’m glad it’s over. I’m really glad that I have a God who loves me so much that all He wants is to see me happy.

Thank you Jesus for coming into my life. Thank you for saving me from the horrors of hell. Thank you for your love, the never ending and undying love for me. Today I’m a free woman. Today I know that everything is and will be good. Thank you my Lord and my God.

+ Glory be to the Father, and the Son and the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be world without end.

My colour for peace.

Who am I? Once again I am being haunted by this question. I don’t think it’s a midlife crisis because I know I’ll face this dilemma in every 2 or 3 months apart. Yet, lately, a sense of void-ness is lingering over me and causing me to doubt myself, pressing harder on me this time around.

So who am I exactly, if I’m allowed to even ask this kind of question, openly? Collectively, I can only know a fraction of myself from the eyes of others. But, am I even brave enough to hear the truth? And, what is the truth? I can drink in all the favorable notions, but what if I am about to learn the ugly side of my existence? Did I cause someone to lose hope? Did I make someone doubt his own strength? Have I made anyone’s life a day happier? Or am I the cause of their suffering?

Who am I? What did I do? What have I done, so far?  

Why is it important for me to get all these answered? So that I will know that at least I am making something ‘good’ out of my life. I am creating some sort of impact in this universe, even if it is just a small crack. Only then I can feel some peace, for peace is what that has been stripped off from me, for a very long time.

Another rambling... on a cloudy Thursday afternoon.

I have a friend who has gone through abortion, not twice but a few uncountable times. Only the 1st one she went with her parents. The rest, she did it on her own and bore it alone. One fine day I asked her why. She just looked at me and with tears-filled-eyes she mumbled, It's ok. As long as no one knows, no one will be sad or angry. And then, we hugged and cried in each others arms.

God loves you, no matter what you've done and what you've been through. He knows why things happen in your life. He knows your heart and he knows how long you can endure such suffering. He never abandons you so you should never give up hope. God knows. He loves you still. 

Time to understand.

I'm gonna let this song by Darius Rucker to do the explanation. It's the kind of song that we should listen to everyday, all time and all day long.

A Wednesday afternoon ramblings.

If I can define my life in just one word, it shall be 'lucky'. ... Or maybe 'blessed', I don't know. I'm kinda torn with those two. Anyway, yes, if I can sum up my life with a word it will be either one of those two. For those who have been with me all these while, either from the start till now or picked up somewhere till now, it has been quite a wild ride, isn't it? With all the drama, the fun, the tears, the lies... yes you read it right, the madness, the songs, the tantrums, the sleeping and snooping around, the gossip, the weekly night party, the crazy days, the unscrupulous cravings and many more fun times better left unsaid. If I were to be reincarnated again in the next life, should there be a next life, I would like to go through it all again. Not even changing the little cell of details. Not to say I don't have regrets, I do. But to change it and not to learn from it that would be suicidal. So, let it be whatever it is and whatever it may be.    

My life: Less f***ing perfect!

So life gets f***ed up sometimes. And sometimes it gets a little wild and fun at the same time. Sometimes I do wonder why do I want to be accepted like everybody else when in truth being me is all that matters. You wanna know why? It's lonely. Yeah I got families around me and sometimes a variety of cool friends that I can depend on at every step of my journey. But still it is so much more relax and less agitation to be able to blend in and given the approval nod. So, okay. In the world today, there's a saying that goes like this, 'If you can't stand out then die in silence'. What's wrong with this people? Some of us actually love being behind the scenes. Not everyone wants to be superstars. Yes everyone has dreams, and mind you it's different from yours and mine. Everybody wants to be rich yes but for different reasons. You know what, I don't really know where the hell I'm going with this but just cope with me for another minute.

Yes. Life is full of surprises. Sometimes we make the wrong turn and regret it and sometimes we play safe because.. well we just decide to play safe, ok. But from where I've been and where I'm going I know the one thing I should take with me all the time is the strength to learn and let go. I am a firm believer of there are reasons behind every happenings. So if I fail, it's ok. My God has a reason for that but do I quit? No. I should go on because I believe that I will learn from the experience and some day soon I will succeed. I just have to believe that, that’s all.

I thank God for my amnesia???

I thank God for my awful memories. 

I thank God that in certain areas of my life long journey, 

I can't seem to recall the details. 

I thank God that I can forget things, bad things and sad things. 

But most of all I thank God that thou my memories are failing 

my heart can still dream of the beautiful stuffs 

and can still hope for beautiful days.