Music at its pure beauty

Thank God for country music. This is one of the reasons why I can still go along with my life. Because there's country music that helps the pain seem more bearable. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for the beautiful Country music.

Conway Twitty - Hello Darling

Conway Twitty - It's only make believe

Conway Twitty & Loretta Lynn - Easy Lovin'

Tammy Wynette, Loretta Lynn & Dolly Parton - 

Silver thread and golden needles

George Jones & Tammy Wynette - Golden Rings

And I bet there's a lot more from where all these came from. This is another escape for me, besides taking a long nap. I fnd joy listening to country music and the older the better. There's wisdom in their pain, in their voices that reach out to me and not only gives me hope but also the reason to believe in the good and pure things that still exist in my life despite all the heartaches and awful memories. 

I will always believe in country music. And I will pass it down to my children and hope they will find their path with this genre. As long as this world exist, so will country music.

Escape route: Slumberland.

I just want to pass a day without tears, without being tired and without heartaches. It's not about being understood. I don't want to be understood. I just want to be heard. I just want someone to say that my hurt is real and though it's painful, not everything is lost.

You know what I really want to do right now? I want to go to bed and just doze off to a land where nothing is real and yet it's beautiful. I don't feel like eating. I don't feel like I want to meet anyone. I just want to sleep. But still, I need to find space to do my rosary; the one single prayer that I know is keeping me alive.

I know what this is, this darkness that's hanging above my head. I know where it came from and why it's still around. I also know that even thou I know about it, knowing it exist does not help much. For as long as I keep shoving that pain underneath a rug I will be in this devastated state for a long time. And when I am in such state for a long time, tears, tiredness and heartaches will be my constant companion.

But at the moment, there's nothing I can do except to try and sleep over it.

Just a thought. Another lesson learned.

My life is a battle zone. Well, whose isn't? I'm just like everybody else but at the same time I am more on my own too. Whose life is not like mine? One minute I'm searching for peace, and the next seconds to come I found myself immersed in the noise. One minute I'm flying, and the next I hit a brick wall and am on my way down. And then when I thought I was going to 'die', I was saved because someone reached for me. And then I soared again. Sometimes for a few days, a few weeks and even a whole month long. And then it happened again. I hit another brick wall and found myself spiralling down again.. and then when I thought I was done this time, a hand reached out to me and I was saved again and once more. Life is indeed one kind of a ride. I can't plan anymore. Well I tried and thou sometimes it works, most of the time it doesn't.

I'm not sure if I can give a conclusion in this post. I'm not sure if there is any conclusion worthy to be shared anymore. All I know is that Life and me, we all just have to go through it. Sometimes we go through it together. Sometimes we have to do it alone. But I guess the best way is to go through it one day at a time. Not expecting too much of the future and not looking back too much on what has passed. Just walk on, slowly and try to stop sometimes to feel the air of the moment. Don't run. Life is so much more than just a race. It is indeed a journey, a long one too and that I learned from my own mistakes. Sometimes there is pain and sometimes there is joy. Sometimes, if we're lucky enough, it's both the pain and the joy. Life is not only for the strong of hearts. It's for everyone; the strong, the weak. We're all in it, together. We all need to share each other's burden, so that we can reach the end.

I hope I can reach the end. No matter what situation I will be in the end, I just hope I can reach the end, somehow, someday.

Am keeping my fingers crossed.

I guess you can say I was angry then. I knew what I was talking and I knew how bad it all sounded. And the truth was that it was indeed that bad. I was just so frustrated with everything. I wish this sad-season that I'm going through right now will be over pretty soon. There is still hope for me. It's a long way thou but hope is there.

I really don't need this right now.

My life is ridiculous!!! I wish I can turn into a monster and just let all the stupidity lie quietly underneath a rug. I feel ridiculous. I feel empty. I feel like a complete fool. Just what kind of life is this? I cannot go beyond what I can see right now. I cannot see myself in the next couple of years. I just cannot see anything. It's like I am not living this life for me. It's like my life is for somebody else. AND I HATE THIS!!! Everyone wants me to understand them that they want to understand me. WTF!!!! Everyone is getting somewhere while I am still stuck in a rut. AND THIS IS JUST STUPID!!!! I cannot post this on my FB. Because people won't understand what I'm going through. And yes, to hell with everyone.

So many things have happened to me. Too many painful memories that I just have to live by. One minute I'm soaring and then the next I'm just falling mercilessly and tremendously at a fast rate. I know this is the kind of life I need to go through after all that I've done or maybe didn't do. I just have to buck up and pretend that everything is ok. Because one thing I've learnt so far is that people don't really care what I've been through. People expect me to just move on and live my life to the fullest.. Well, to fuck with that! How I wish I can bang my table right now, because it's plain to see that they are imbeciles just because they want me to move on with this fucking life. Yes!!! I am angry.. angry with the friends who I thought were my friends. Angry with the people who I thought cared enough for me. Well I was wrong. People don't care. They are just concern with their lives and what I can do for them.

Yes. You can see here that I am a Catholic who swears and swears hard. I am frustrated and I have the right to make my anger be known. I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE FOR NOW!!! Don't you all get it. If you can't wait then fine with me. Just go and leave me alone. I never asked anyone to understand me. That is just beyond my league. If you want to stick around, fine. I really don't need this right now.

A prayer a day keeps the devils away.

My Lord and my God. You know what is in my deepest heart. You know what lies in the abyss of my bosom. Recently my world has gone out of control again and I'm left with nothing but silence; a total dark silence. Sometimes like now when I tried to write what I feel nothing appears. Pure emptiness has taken over my heart. I tried to dismiss it with happy thoughts. But for one who has gone through the belly of hell and came back alive, happy thoughts, positive thoughts, are all nothing but a perfect denial of reality. Be with me Lord, as I take on a day at a time. Let me know in your own ways all the things that I need to do for the day. Wipe these tears from my eyes, my God, for you alone can do that. And always guide me to see the beauty in others just as you want and intend me to see. 

+ My Lord and my God, you alone are my refuge and my strength. 

+ Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me. 

+ My dearest Mother Mary, please pray for me today.

+ Angel of God my guardian dear. To whom God's love entrust me here. Ever this day is at my side to light and guard, to rule and guide.

The Miserere: Prayer of Repentance

Have mercy on me, God, in your goodness
in your abundant compassion
blot out my offense.
Wash away all my guilt;
from my sin cleanse me.

For I know my offense;
my sin is always before me.
Against you alone have I sinned;
I have done such evil in your sight
That you are just in your sentence,
blameless when you condemn.
True, I was born guilty,
a sinner, even as my mother conceived me.
Still, you insist on sincerity of heart;
in my inmost being teach me wisdom.

Cleanse me with hyssop, that I may be pure;
wash me, make me whiter than snow.
Let me hear sounds of joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Turn away your face from my sins;
blot out all my guilt.

A clean heart create for me, God;
renew in me a steadfast spirit.
Do not drive me from your presence,
nor take from me your holy spirit.
Restore my joy in your salvation;
sustain in me a willing spirit.

I will teach the wicked your ways,
that sinners may return to you.
Rescue me from death, God, my saving God,
that my tongue may praise your healing power.
Lord, open my lips;
my mouth will proclaim your praise.
For you do not desire sacrifice;
a burnt offering you would not accept.
My sacrifice, God, is a broken spirit;
God, do not spurn a broken, humbled heart.

–Psalm 51:3-19

A Christmas note

For the past few weeks from my last entry… life has been teaching me a lot of things. The school of life has taught me the strength of retreating and let someone else, someone more deserving, to take the limelight. There are even crash courses about patience and surrendering indefinitely to the Almighty on things that are beyond my reach. I guess wisdom does come with age and some of it from the learned mistakes due to my own idiocy. Somehow I’ve come to a place where I am able to accept that some people still forgives and there is still room for hope and miracles. 

It’s a good thing, I guess, and that I’m learning stuff during this beautiful season. Like I said, there are still rooms for hope and miracles. No matter what happens, no matter how absurd I may find myself in a situation, God is still the one who holds my strings and keeps me from drowning. Of course I learned most of the stuffs the hard way. But since its Christmas, it’s worth every tear and drop of sweat. So my prayer for you, who is reading this short Christmas note right now, is that God be with you always and going through everything with you. Let his strength be yours and let his heart beat inside your body so that you will find once again the beauty and meaning of your life. 

Let this Christmas teaches all of us the beauty to love again and to hope again, despite the painful memories and whatever burden that presses us and weighing us down. Yes. May we all find Jesus, the little yet mighty King, in that old forsaken stable. With that I end this with a hope of seeing you in Bethlehem on the night where the angels’ voices fill the sky as the earth welcomes her new born Saviour, once again. Have a beautiful Christmas everyone. Love and prayers always from me. 

18 Nov 2011

Sorry for abandoning this journal for so long. I've been busy. More like I've been chasing my dreams. And it's worth it, because I'm just a few more steps closer to reaching my stars. He he he.. Lots have happened. I've been in and out of adventures. Made a few more new friends. Rediscovering myself over and over again. Life is indeed a school of lessons. Sometimes I fail in my trials.. and to my own shame, I even failed to try. After this post, I don't know when I'll be writing my next entry. Deep in my heart I am still a writer. Still having my own ways in putting and rearranging words into beautiful statements. But then again, I'm rediscovering myself daily. I seem to surprise everyone, even with myself. I didn't know there's a whole lotta Melissa in me before. Oh yes, there is indeed a whole lotta life in this cutie pie. Things like, I always knew I can kick ass..but never really tried to. And then I did. Then I know I can really kick ass, like real hard. Till the next entry, hope we'll run into each other's path real soon. Take care and God bless my beautiful people.