Another intersection, another decision.

After 98 posts this blog is becoming very personal, and it is not what I had anticipated in the beginning. At first my intention was to become and internet phenomenon but it didn't quite worked out in the way I hoped it had. Instead, I found myself on a soul-searching journey with thoughts posted (boldly) for strange eyes to judge. This vicinity has become a sanctuary for me; I get an audience and I get to write my innermost thoughts… well at least it’s more than half-way deep into my reasoning, but strangely enough I always did it fearlessly. 

I don’t quite understand (yet) why I am doing what I am doing. No one told me to. No one even asked me to. I just feel like it is something that I should be doing. (And though at this very moment I don’t want to choke myself by hollering that it is for a greater purpose), as selfishly as this may sound I (do) feel like I am serving one. 

What I am trying to explain here is that, we all will start out somewhere at some point of our lives. Sometimes we thought, well I thought back then that ‘this’ is what I want or ‘that’ is exactly what I should do. Then half way into it, things or situations started to change. Priorities change according to needs, or needs change to incorporate with the recently found priorities. Whatever it is, change is necessary and it is inevitable. Sometimes we have a say in that process of changing. Other times we don’t and that’s the part where it hurts. Yet changes always come and have the final say.

Have I changed since the last 98 posts? Have I done any changes since then? The truth is I am constantly on the wheel of change. I am and exactly like the clay. Or like a garden. On some days I am beautiful and on certain days I am not. On some days I need to be pruned or I need to be remodelled and this situation, this process, hurts to the deepest core of my being. Yet, I have to go through it. I need to go through it. Because? Because it is how life works. It’s how God works.

So yes, today I have accepted that my blog is becoming personal and might not be of use to certain readers. Still I will continue blogging about my life, about my struggles, and definitely about how I reason things that happen around me. One thing remains, thou: I still want to see where all these will lead me to. I am still excited to see where it will end.

courtesy of Google Image

 

We always have choices: to do or not to do.

Today may seem to start off quite slow, but I’m not giving in to futility just yet. I still have a total of 14-16 hours of harnessing my creativity and come up with something spectacular. It’s all about choices, I guess. We can always decide to turn a day of dreariness into a day full of excitement and rewards. All of us have the power to do so. It is within our means.

So, let’s all put on our thinking cap. Or on second thought, don’t put on the thinking cap but, let’s all go out and have some fun with a little bit of imagination.

Today, I feel like I want to be Peter Pan and, I guess, I will.

Image from Google

My unintentional confusion.

There are so many things going through my mind right now. And most recent development is: I want to continue my study. Great, isn’t it? My money has not reach the desired par yet, I’m expected to be married by early next year and how am I supposed to juggle my time with all these in my hands? I have so many wants and needs. Is it selfish of me to want all these? To have a Degree with Honours, to be financial free and to be a strong independent woman who has a wonderful career and an amazing reputation. Of course it’s not wrong to desire all these. But why do I feel like I’m about to break someone’s heart; someone that matters to me the most? 

 
Jesus, please, please, please help me in making this decision. I’m in one of those periods again, a time where my heart is throbbing for something else while my mind is yelling for another. I can’t decide what’s better for me. I know what I want but I doubt the desire that’s behind this yearning. Jesus, help me please…

5 Things I Must Do Before I Die.

1) I will live a life true to myself, courageously. 2) I will work, play and serve God and His church. 3) I will express my feelings, courageously. 4) I will keep in touch with my friends. 5) I will let myself be happy.

The other face of my soul.

You write because you want to know yourself better. 

Your writing success is beyond your control.

I got the above caption from Mr Coelho’s blog. Yes, the writing part is true. Whenever I put my thoughts in words I’m learning things about myself and about everything and everyone else around me. Although sometimes I do worry about other’s noticing how ‘good’, I think, I am, I will still write the things that I feel the need to write about. When I switch on the writer in me the outer world cease to exist. It’s just my mind, my soul, the glaring light of the computer screen, the music which I have select to accompany my trip into my heart and maybe sometimes a cup of hot milo. 

Sometimes it’s about my past. Sometimes I got the light bulb after watching or listening to a song in Youtube. Sometimes life speaks to me from the books or blogs that I read. Sometimes it’s from a movie. Sometimes from the conversation I had with others. Sometimes the thought just dawned on me and it went straight to my fingertips. The next thing I knew I was creating a sentence that made sense to me. 

I write because it is who I am. Although I’m still hoping that I can make a living as the kind of writer I am, it doesn’t really bother me that much now. Even if I will never get the kind of acknowledgement I hope for, it is still ok because I am writing for myself. And I have learned that there is a piece of me in everyone else just like a piece of everyone else is in me. So as much as I am writing for myself, I know that I will get to touch the other me in everyone else.  And that’s the biggest accomplishment I have made and will continue making.

My last sentence.

I want this to be written on my tombstone.

"She failed a lot but she was adamant to live her life. And she did it."

I wonder if I can pre-order the head stone below with the inscriptions. Hmm..

My colour for peace.

Who am I? Once again I am being haunted by this question. I don’t think it’s a midlife crisis because I know I’ll face this dilemma in every 2 or 3 months apart. Yet, lately, a sense of void-ness is lingering over me and causing me to doubt myself, pressing harder on me this time around.

So who am I exactly, if I’m allowed to even ask this kind of question, openly? Collectively, I can only know a fraction of myself from the eyes of others. But, am I even brave enough to hear the truth? And, what is the truth? I can drink in all the favorable notions, but what if I am about to learn the ugly side of my existence? Did I cause someone to lose hope? Did I make someone doubt his own strength? Have I made anyone’s life a day happier? Or am I the cause of their suffering?

Who am I? What did I do? What have I done, so far?  

Why is it important for me to get all these answered? So that I will know that at least I am making something ‘good’ out of my life. I am creating some sort of impact in this universe, even if it is just a small crack. Only then I can feel some peace, for peace is what that has been stripped off from me, for a very long time.

A Wednesday afternoon ramblings.

If I can define my life in just one word, it shall be 'lucky'. ... Or maybe 'blessed', I don't know. I'm kinda torn with those two. Anyway, yes, if I can sum up my life with a word it will be either one of those two. For those who have been with me all these while, either from the start till now or picked up somewhere till now, it has been quite a wild ride, isn't it? With all the drama, the fun, the tears, the lies... yes you read it right, the madness, the songs, the tantrums, the sleeping and snooping around, the gossip, the weekly night party, the crazy days, the unscrupulous cravings and many more fun times better left unsaid. If I were to be reincarnated again in the next life, should there be a next life, I would like to go through it all again. Not even changing the little cell of details. Not to say I don't have regrets, I do. But to change it and not to learn from it that would be suicidal. So, let it be whatever it is and whatever it may be.    

My life: Less f***ing perfect!

So life gets f***ed up sometimes. And sometimes it gets a little wild and fun at the same time. Sometimes I do wonder why do I want to be accepted like everybody else when in truth being me is all that matters. You wanna know why? It's lonely. Yeah I got families around me and sometimes a variety of cool friends that I can depend on at every step of my journey. But still it is so much more relax and less agitation to be able to blend in and given the approval nod. So, okay. In the world today, there's a saying that goes like this, 'If you can't stand out then die in silence'. What's wrong with this people? Some of us actually love being behind the scenes. Not everyone wants to be superstars. Yes everyone has dreams, and mind you it's different from yours and mine. Everybody wants to be rich yes but for different reasons. You know what, I don't really know where the hell I'm going with this but just cope with me for another minute.

Yes. Life is full of surprises. Sometimes we make the wrong turn and regret it and sometimes we play safe because.. well we just decide to play safe, ok. But from where I've been and where I'm going I know the one thing I should take with me all the time is the strength to learn and let go. I am a firm believer of there are reasons behind every happenings. So if I fail, it's ok. My God has a reason for that but do I quit? No. I should go on because I believe that I will learn from the experience and some day soon I will succeed. I just have to believe that, that’s all.

Happy 50th post - Looking back at the journey.

For a minute there I thought I've run out of ideas on what to blog about. For the past 49 posts, I've bared it all out here. My fears, my simple pleasures, my heart and, with utmost brutality, my mind; the one place no one with a weak heart should ever go.

Now, what else is there to write? What is new with me today, or maybe since the last 24 hours? Owh. There's one. A friend has confided with me her troubled relationship. So, like any good sport and being such creative innovator, I lend some advises, which I never thought I've got it in me. And you know what, it worked out. Not entirely settled but they had a good start and there's progress. Now, whadaya know? I can actually be a pretty good counselor, with a pinch of nutcrack of course. Hahaha. That's definitely another reason for me to be proud of myself.

Then there's this chat that I had with a friend of mine, who's actually studying right now in Aussie. I hope she reads this. *winking mercilessly*. We're talking about my plan to do solo travel, something about searching another part of myself on the road. Well, I didn't really thought about it that way before but as we talked, yeah, I kinda get the feeling and saw the fuller version of my reason to do it. It's all about spirituality. Like I said in my few previous blog I'm not running away from anything and this is not about being immature.

There are many female solo travellers out there, around the globe, and there are tons of reasons alright. So for me, this is just another journey I need to do for myself, to feed my thirsty soul. The soul that wants to be one with her Creator while seeing the other faces of the world. That's my reason to travel the world on my own. I know God will protect me from harm, like He always does.

Then, there's my crazy addiction with Scotty Mccreery's rendition of The River, originally done by the legendary Mr Garth Brooks. Is it the song, the lyrics or just his calm and deep mesmerizing voice that caught my soul? It's everything about his voice and the song and the words. I don't just relate to it all I'm actually living the whole thing out. It taught me to choose to chance the rapids and dance the tide. And today I'm doing exactly that. Doing what my heart wants to do and just face my fears head on. Never before had a song left me with such an impact. Never. Nada. Mei-you. Aiso. Tiada. Only this. And I'm glad that 'this' finally happens.

So, that's pretty much everything since the last 24 hours for me. I hope your 24 hours has made you appreciate life more, too.    

Just raise your sail and ride with the wind of change.

There's bound to be rough waters. Any kind of seas, nothing calm can last that long. But with God as the captain, you know by faith there's nothing you can't go through.

I don't know how long my positive episode will last. Before, I used to pray and hope that it will last through the night, through the week and even for a few months. But now, with every positive energy that I receive from the good Lord, I will make the best out of it to help myself and others to be a day happier. Being Melissa El, you don’t know when you’re gonna slump to the dumpters and when you’ll rocket sky high. By now, I guess you’ve pretty much figured out that my mind is no kids’ playground. That’s why I am thankful that today, this very second, I am smiling and feeling so blessed with how I have turned out to be.

I’ve learned a very valuable lesson and from now on I will not torture myself with worrying how to keep this good vibe moving in me. Whenever I have the chance to be joyful I will do whatever it takes to create something wonderful so that you and me will have another beautiful reason to celebrate life.

So let me repeat myself again;

There’s bound to be rough waters and I know that I’ll take some falls.

But with the good Lord as my captain, I can make it through them all.

Yes I will sail my vessel till the river runs dry.

Like a bird upon the wind, these waters are my skies.

I’ll never reach my destination if I never try.

So I will sail my vessel till the river runs dry.

Follow your heart. Follow your happiness.

I've done complaining. I've done crying. I've done my share of wailing and whining. Today I've found my heart and the road that leads to my happiness. It's time for me to thread on that road and thou life still has its own twists and turns I've seen the end with my faith and I'm not looking away anymore. 

So, if today you still found yourself unhappy, after trying very hard to be happy, you know it's time to go with your heart, turn to the road that leads to your happiness and don't lose sight of it. May we all find strength with this song, The River, a sweet rendition by Scotty Mccreery the boy who's out and chasing his happiness.