No matter what happens and no matter where I am.

What if this run lasts forever? What if when the end arrives I still find myself not yet done as much as I should have? What if when the ‘One Day’ arrives, I'm still running the race?

But I guess this is not the kind of question I should've asked myself, because whatever happens in the end I don't have an answer for it, now. But what I need to understand is that I should live my life to the fullest each day, no matter what happens, no matter where I am. The end has its own worries. Why do I need to mess up my mind with something that I have no control of? But my life, this, I have control of. Not all situations but to the certain parts of it, which God has given me the power over it, that I have. And for that I should be in control. I should be in charge, no matter what happens and no matter where I am.

I owe Alanis Morissette this. Thank you for making a music that has the power to open my eyes and my heart, today.  

I just need someone to really tell me to not give in just yet.

Why giving up is such an appeal right now? Because it is. Because sometimes life gives me shit even when I have tried to hang on with the little sanity that I still have. Even when I'm engulfed by total darkness, the hard part never seem to run out of avenues. Even when my face is buried deep in the hot desert sands I still find myself being run over, again and again, by life's unforgiving burdens. All I want is just a break from all this craziness. Just one moment for me to shine and really receive the greatest beauties life has and can really offer me. But no. Instead of that I keep on getting the ugliness and the sadness as if I'm not getting enough of it. Why Lord, why? Am I really done this time? Have I really made things gone so bad that I'm out of options now? Has my moment been taken away from me?

Right now I feel like an elephant trapped in the tiny body of a butterfly. I feel like my brain is going to burst out of my skull at any moment now. Yes I know that others out there are going through even tougher situations than mine. I know I know and I do not want to be reminded of that! Right now I am talking about my life, my own shoes and my own shits. What others are going through are theirs to handle. I have enough despair in my hands right now and it's more than I could swallow. I just need someone to say to me to not give up, especially now. Not because of the tiny light at the end of the tunnel. And especially not because of whatever kind of rewards that awaits me at the finishing line. I just need someone to tell me, straight in the face, to not give up. Just plain old, 'Melissa, don't give up'.

My unintentional confusion.

There are so many things going through my mind right now. And most recent development is: I want to continue my study. Great, isn’t it? My money has not reach the desired par yet, I’m expected to be married by early next year and how am I supposed to juggle my time with all these in my hands? I have so many wants and needs. Is it selfish of me to want all these? To have a Degree with Honours, to be financial free and to be a strong independent woman who has a wonderful career and an amazing reputation. Of course it’s not wrong to desire all these. But why do I feel like I’m about to break someone’s heart; someone that matters to me the most? 

 
Jesus, please, please, please help me in making this decision. I’m in one of those periods again, a time where my heart is throbbing for something else while my mind is yelling for another. I can’t decide what’s better for me. I know what I want but I doubt the desire that’s behind this yearning. Jesus, help me please…

The beautiful inner healing.

Something beautiful happened during the healing service last night.

You all know, (well those who know me personally might get what I mean by this), how my mind works and how I am always sort of haunted by my own unstable emotions. It can deeply affects my thoughts and leave me disoriented for at least several weeks. You read my blog. You saw how I put my status in my Facebook account when those darkest moments 'came for a visit'.

I went unprepared to the service yesterday, and maybe even with a little smirk on my face. I sort of know what I was getting myself into but I did not expect for such a touch from God last night.

The Great Spirit of God made me see the missing links and told me ‘in a way’ that things will be alright from now on. I believed Him. I really believe that I am finally free of the chains that have been holding me back. The healing was brief but it made me free, just like what the preacher has promised, ‘that it works only if you believe’.

I saw that I did not grieve ‘properly’ and in the way that I should when my grandmother passed. Only last night, when I was given the chance to walk back into childhood and come up face to face to that very moment, had I realised that my grandmother was everything to me growing up. I was given the privilege to ‘know’ that during my conception I was somehow a ‘surprise’. So when my sister came 2 years after me, when all the attention goes to her, I find my solace with grandma. And when she passed, maybe I was just too young to understand, I did not shed the proper tears.

Yet, last night I did. Oh how I have missed her. I did not know if it’s an imagination or something that is divine intervention, but I ‘saw’ her and I hugged her at first in my current state as an adult and then the vision changed into my grandma embraced me in my childlike state. We exchanged no words, only glances, smiles and whole lot of tears.

Now I understood why I am sometimes so overcome with an unknown sadness. There would be days and nights where I would just cry not knowing why. And there are moments when I will do everything to make those tears come because I just want to get over it and be done with it. Now I know. And I’m glad it’s over. I’m really glad that I have a God who loves me so much that all He wants is to see me happy.

Thank you Jesus for coming into my life. Thank you for saving me from the horrors of hell. Thank you for your love, the never ending and undying love for me. Today I’m a free woman. Today I know that everything is and will be good. Thank you my Lord and my God.

+ Glory be to the Father, and the Son and the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be world without end.

My life: Less f***ing perfect!

So life gets f***ed up sometimes. And sometimes it gets a little wild and fun at the same time. Sometimes I do wonder why do I want to be accepted like everybody else when in truth being me is all that matters. You wanna know why? It's lonely. Yeah I got families around me and sometimes a variety of cool friends that I can depend on at every step of my journey. But still it is so much more relax and less agitation to be able to blend in and given the approval nod. So, okay. In the world today, there's a saying that goes like this, 'If you can't stand out then die in silence'. What's wrong with this people? Some of us actually love being behind the scenes. Not everyone wants to be superstars. Yes everyone has dreams, and mind you it's different from yours and mine. Everybody wants to be rich yes but for different reasons. You know what, I don't really know where the hell I'm going with this but just cope with me for another minute.

Yes. Life is full of surprises. Sometimes we make the wrong turn and regret it and sometimes we play safe because.. well we just decide to play safe, ok. But from where I've been and where I'm going I know the one thing I should take with me all the time is the strength to learn and let go. I am a firm believer of there are reasons behind every happenings. So if I fail, it's ok. My God has a reason for that but do I quit? No. I should go on because I believe that I will learn from the experience and some day soon I will succeed. I just have to believe that, that’s all.

Cut myself some slack.

Gosh. I can be such an pain in the ass, don't I? Everybody has a bad day. Everybody went through it within their own means. Some handled it well while others may need some help. Nevertheless, everybody has had a bad day. I know I'm not the only one who has to deal with bad days every 2-10 seconds a minute. I know that when I say it's tiring, there are people out there who knows that its worse for them. So... I can still count my blessings and try not to be a sore whiner because I know there are people out there who are going through tougher ordeals, but can still keep up with a smile.