It's that time again.

Suddenly I feel like it is just so hard to keep up with everything. Not to mention that I've gone back to my addiction and fuelling my vices to the brim. Why or what is happening to me? A minute ago I was soaring half way across the ocean like an eagle filled with pride. Next, I'm here ducking my head below the lowest plank and sniffing my brains out with my 'marijuana'. I have an addiction which I'm not prepared to step out in the open yet. Yes and it's because this addiction may ruin my reputation, that's to say if I still have any. What I don't understand is that even when I have a loving fiancé, a very supportive family and surrounded by wonderful people I call friends... I still go back and visit my dangerous closet of shame for an escape; an escape which I've no memory of its origin. Yes. You can judge me whatever you like. But this is a part of me which I want the whole world to know; a part where I am very much human, imperfect, struggling and trying to make the darkest part of me disappear permanently.

There goes my only possession. There goes my everything.

Today I'm not going to write much because so many things had happened in the last few days. Things like I now know stuffs which I'm not supposed to know (I think), my views or perceptions on some people has changed dramatically and now I'm standing on a bridge, a feeling I despise so much, I'm getting quieter and even found myself stepping back more than what I normally do. Since when I became a spectator? When and how did I change? What happened? Is this another phase? Another doze from my ever raging hormones. Is this permanent? Am I getting old or something? Did I miss the train?

The song below says a lot about how I really feel this very moment. Don't enjoy. Please. Just bear with me and be with me.

You either got it or you don't have it at all.

I'm a total disappointment to myself. I made tons of promises which I don't keep. I forget things every now and then. I cheat when I'm suppose to be working. I go back to the same dark course after promising God and myself that I wouldn't. Are all these symptoms of my post trauma? Or am I just making all these up in my head? Is there really something beyond my power that is pulling me back and down on my knees all the time, or am I just plain lazy and a pure fool?

I am acting so weird and strange. I don't know how to tell between a hallucination and reality. I am getting weirder and stranger by the day.