In pursuit of my vortex.

Right now I’m reading the Witch of Portobello by my all-time favourite writer Mr Coelho. I've come to the part where Athena has just discovered that, although she is at the right path in receiving and giving love, there is still a part of her that is missing. She needs to know who her birth mother is. Prior to this discovery, she was learning the art of calligraphy. From what the teacher told her, a repeated action will cease being just a repeated task when the fingers that stroke the brush have in it the heart and soul of the calligrapher. And then I thought about the way I had prayed all this time, especially the Rosary. Such a tedious task and in some points such a burden. And yet that would only mean that my heart and soul was not entirely in it. I prayed because I want answers to my questions or my problems to be settled. I never prayed just because it is a beautiful prayer to be said. I never thought it that way. I never thought about it that way other than to fulfil my own needs. I wanted to be in that state of 'ecstasy' just like how Athena found hers when she danced the 'Dance of Vortex'. She wanted to be one with her Creator through music, through movements. And she would do it repeatedly just to be in that state of being outside of her body. I would like very much to taste that kind of 'ecstasy’ and I hope I will someday, when I have learnt to accept the Rosary as a beautiful prayer. Nothing more and nothing less.  

Keeping my mouth shut but my heart wide open.

Finally, last Saturday saya sudah pergi counseling and confession after months of torturing myself with the thought yang I will never find peace. Ini father yang saya pergi pun is not actually my 1st choice.. actually saya tiada pun terfikir mau jumpa dia during my months of tribulation. But, God showed me that I should go to him, dan saya lansung tidak dikecewakan. He didn't say much, because according to him words can pass and we will forget about it. I think that is so true as well. God does not want me to seek consolation in those touchy-touchy statements. He wants me to hear the plain truth, and that's exactly what I get.

Father X (sorry! I'm not revealing any names in respect of the priest punya privacy) told me to turn to Mother Mary in the blessed rosary. Dia cakap, 'if you go to Jesus, dia ada lambat sikit. Tapi kalau kau pergi sama mama dia, Mother Mary, with her intercession, He will answer, cepat.' Walaupun I was drenched in tears, my smile came naturally. I find it very interestingly mencuit hati.

So, I went in jam 9.50am and was already walking out half an hour later. The meeting was short alright but semua bebanan di jiwa saya yang saya tanggung for the last 18 months terangkat dan tiada yang tertinggal lansung. So again, praise be to God, for that! All glory and honor for Him alone! Bukan saja saya rasa ringan badan, hati, otak dan jiwa, I even learned my options and choices that I can make in the future, should things go astray again.

Perayaan Misa yang selama ini saya rindu untuk rasakan, finally I'm able to feel it again. And to my amazement, saya tidak menangis seteruk yang sebelum pergi counseling dan juga saya tidak tertidur. Now I can understand kenapa saya boleh tertidur dalam Misa before this. I was heavy with burden. Jiwa yang mengangkat beban yang berat selama 18 bulan sama macam saya angkat beras 5kg sepanjang 24/7 selama 1 minggu. Tempoh yang saya angkat itu, itu lah yang buat saya penat. Penat jiwa, penat badan, penat otak dan penat hati.

So, I bless God for His priests. I thank God sebab paderi-paderinya. Kalau bukan kerana mereka yang telah dipilih Tuhan sebagai paderiNya, I don't think I will be writing about this today. So, sekali lagi, praise be to God! All glory and honor for Him, forever and ever!