The beautiful inner healing.

Something beautiful happened during the healing service last night.

You all know, (well those who know me personally might get what I mean by this), how my mind works and how I am always sort of haunted by my own unstable emotions. It can deeply affects my thoughts and leave me disoriented for at least several weeks. You read my blog. You saw how I put my status in my Facebook account when those darkest moments 'came for a visit'.

I went unprepared to the service yesterday, and maybe even with a little smirk on my face. I sort of know what I was getting myself into but I did not expect for such a touch from God last night.

The Great Spirit of God made me see the missing links and told me ‘in a way’ that things will be alright from now on. I believed Him. I really believe that I am finally free of the chains that have been holding me back. The healing was brief but it made me free, just like what the preacher has promised, ‘that it works only if you believe’.

I saw that I did not grieve ‘properly’ and in the way that I should when my grandmother passed. Only last night, when I was given the chance to walk back into childhood and come up face to face to that very moment, had I realised that my grandmother was everything to me growing up. I was given the privilege to ‘know’ that during my conception I was somehow a ‘surprise’. So when my sister came 2 years after me, when all the attention goes to her, I find my solace with grandma. And when she passed, maybe I was just too young to understand, I did not shed the proper tears.

Yet, last night I did. Oh how I have missed her. I did not know if it’s an imagination or something that is divine intervention, but I ‘saw’ her and I hugged her at first in my current state as an adult and then the vision changed into my grandma embraced me in my childlike state. We exchanged no words, only glances, smiles and whole lot of tears.

Now I understood why I am sometimes so overcome with an unknown sadness. There would be days and nights where I would just cry not knowing why. And there are moments when I will do everything to make those tears come because I just want to get over it and be done with it. Now I know. And I’m glad it’s over. I’m really glad that I have a God who loves me so much that all He wants is to see me happy.

Thank you Jesus for coming into my life. Thank you for saving me from the horrors of hell. Thank you for your love, the never ending and undying love for me. Today I’m a free woman. Today I know that everything is and will be good. Thank you my Lord and my God.

+ Glory be to the Father, and the Son and the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be world without end.

Down memory lane. Bagus juga revisit sometimes.

Sambil saya online sama kawan lama saya on the other page, I felt like posting something. Untuk apa? Saja-saja. I also want to see where this will take me.

Sandakan will always have a special place in my heart. Walaupun tidak lama di sana but my first few years of learning how to live in a community started out right disana. Saya pun rasa if it's not because of Sandakan punya exposure at such an early age, I won't be the person I am today - someone yang (kononlah) sangat peramah. I think pandai juga terover friendly sometimes, but apa boleh buat la. Blame Sandakan for that!

Children should live as children. That is also another part of Sandakan yang saya suka and will always love to remember. My childhood was sometimes better than perfect. Betul ni! And I won't argue juga lah yang because of that better than perfect punya lifestyle, it did cripple some parts of my adult life. I'm still adjusting because of it, tapi I guess that imperfection is a must, sebab kalau tidak tiadalah si Sukacita Tuhan ini ber-blogging. Who would have thought the little girl yang dulu lari-lari main bubut-bubut sana di St. Mary's Church (now Cathedral), will one day have to go through hell to catch a glimpse of heaven?

Now, as I sit menghadap ni pc, in my mind, I can see my life back in Sandakan. The old government house, St. Mary's primary school, the church, para mak nyah yang selalu berkumpul every Saturday night di bawah bukit St. Mary (well yang ini was 24-20 years ago la, time saya di sana dulu), Batu 4, the clinic yang selalu saya kena bawa kalau sakit dekat pasar ikan, my friends, my dare-devil adventures time school, the dogs yang we lost while still there, either jatuh sakit or kena abduct, the evening jogs turun naik bukit tempat kami tinggal and banyak lagi la. One by one came into my mind ni.

Anyway, that was life then. I have to keep my mind in front and start living my life in the way that I should be living. But like I said in my title, bagus juga revisit the history sometimes. For me, it will keep me grounded and it works.