18 Nov 2011

Sorry for abandoning this journal for so long. I've been busy. More like I've been chasing my dreams. And it's worth it, because I'm just a few more steps closer to reaching my stars. He he he.. Lots have happened. I've been in and out of adventures. Made a few more new friends. Rediscovering myself over and over again. Life is indeed a school of lessons. Sometimes I fail in my trials.. and to my own shame, I even failed to try. After this post, I don't know when I'll be writing my next entry. Deep in my heart I am still a writer. Still having my own ways in putting and rearranging words into beautiful statements. But then again, I'm rediscovering myself daily. I seem to surprise everyone, even with myself. I didn't know there's a whole lotta Melissa in me before. Oh yes, there is indeed a whole lotta life in this cutie pie. Things like, I always knew I can kick ass..but never really tried to. And then I did. Then I know I can really kick ass, like real hard. Till the next entry, hope we'll run into each other's path real soon. Take care and God bless my beautiful people.  

Now this I wanna do. I wanna see where this road will take me.

My wounds? The scars of the once upon a time pain will help me?? Help me through life; this life. My life? Is it possible? Is it really possible? 

Such roads may seem treacherous. While some may appear dainty for others, mine has its own twists and turns. And yet I could not run from it. Not that I can't but... what if it is the road that'll lead me to my dreams? To my destiny?

Help me Lord. So that I can see what You want me to see. 

It's one thing to be lukewarm or cold. But to be indifferent? May I never reach 'that' destination.  

Does it also mean sadness? Why should anyone get sad when they know they're on the right path to go home to their lover? While on that journey, their minds will be only on the precious memories. Memories that warm their hearts. 

As guidance. Just like a kite. Just like an eagle. 

A dose of energy. The substance to live. Just like a fish. Just like a sail. Just like the electricity. 

To connect with those that we love. Just like the plane. Just like the boat. 

So how do you see me? What can you know from reading all that I've written? Am I who I claim to be I am? 

That's it. Plain and simple. Take it as it is. 

To know that He uses this little mind, this horrid sinner, this man with little faith as His storage... no words can transcribe my feelings at this very moment. 

Now this is an eye-opening! Notice the 'who are' and 'only appear'. That's the major difference. That's the truth. 

aahhh... now that make sense to me. 

... I might see it only as an ice cream. But you see it as it's flavour.. that is the art of living. 

To live in the comfort zone is one thing. To accept the life in the comfort zone is another. 

Then let it be known today... that at this very moment, on the 9th day of September in the year of the Lord, I have made my decision. To be another one of God's precious story-teller. 

No more will I hold back. It's time to overflow the whole vineyard with love, respect and the eternal beauty of a human soul. 

If you found me sleeping Lord, please wake me up.

Ok. So I'll take that as no to tattoo's... well at least until I've figured out why I need one. 

Ok. This too will be my guideline from now on. 

And now I've understood one thing: For as long as I live, I will always find myself trying to reach for my dreams. And that will only happen when I have died and meet my creator. 

I think I've covered everything today. It is indeed a fruitful day for me.

What makes a writer a writer?

I googled the above question and found myself with a gazillion answers. Some are poetic while others are plain structured. Some say they like being a little crazy while others go for colleges and courses to get that piece of paper that says you're a-professional-writer-now-and-no-one-can-dispute-that. :)

So what makes me a writer or even different from others who don't display their soul on a piece of paper? Do I have some kind of extraordinary ability that allows me to feel what others are going through? Was I born on a special day of writers? Or am I just plain mad when compared to others?

I guess I am who I am because of all the above and more. I love being judged and I hate being judged but I can't help myself if I stop writing. My life is more than just an open book. I am also a canvas, sometimes with beautiful stains and sometimes plain white blank. I don't really care of being judged or misinterpreted but I can't help myself from being obsess with what others think of me and of my works. Do they like my story? Can they relate to what I'm telling them? Can they see themselves or me in my writings? Can they grasp the message which I'm trying to tell them in my works, of us not being too different from each other?

I am a writer and a crazy fool. My brains and my heart are so intertwined with each other; that’s why I'm irrationally encrusted with being super-complicated. It is all simply and because I am a writer and a buffoon! I lived hard and I cried harder. I loved hard and I get hurt harder still. And that's because I am who I am; a foolish writer who feels with her whole being.

So, from my standpoint a writer is writer when she is herself, who lives her pain slightly dramatic than an average human being, who also lives her life somewhere between a full-bloom melancholy and dangerously intoxicated while still have the capacity to look at God straight in the eye and be thankful for all the wondrous blessings she has got so far.

To the teachers who taught me to be me in this life.

I have two extraordinary teachers that I would want so much to meet some day. And when I do meet them, I just want to say thank you, hug them and have coffee with them while sitting on their front porches. For everyone else they may have been like any other strangers or some famous authors that no ordinary kid from Papar, Sabah might ever get to meet. But to me, they are my life teachers and they deserve to meet their pupils, so that they know they’ve made a difference in someone’s life.

Because, just like me, they struggled and confronted their demons on more occasions than what they had wished for. They tasted fear, defeat, tears and pain. They get their life lessons from others and most of the time from their own hardships and failures. Yet, they have stood the test of time and have written more books about living life, superseding their own expectations. And today I celebrate and thank God because He has led me into receiving them in my life, teaching me to believe that there’s more in me than what meets the eye.

So here's a toast to Paulo Coelho and Jennifer Lawler. First, for believing in their selves and second, for believing in the people that God has place in their paths. Salute!

Paulo Coelho

Jennifer Lawler

My July summary.

It has been awhile and so many things had happened in the last couple of weeks. I’ve lost two very special people whom saw me grew up and become who I am today. I’ve been given the priviledge to share in a friend's joy for the arrival of the newest member of her family. I’m taking on a major part in making my sister’s singing career into a reality. I’ve found a new joy and am building a fruitful career besides being at peace with the current paying job I have at the moment. I’m expanding my selling and PR skills. I’m getting quite a number of feedbacks saying I look leaner and becoming more beautiful. I’m still dealing with my low-self-esteem issues, since they can creep back into my life unnoticed. So as you can see I have a lot in my hands right now. But frankly speaking I’m actually doing pretty well coping with everything. I hope this current update is sufficient enough, just nice for everyone to know that I’m doing well with life and all that comes along my way. I still want to pray thou and hope that August will be even kinder to me, in all its teachings and wanting me to learn and cope whatever it has install for me. 

So, till then. I see you all in August!